Lan's Breast Cancer Blog

1978 - 2012

2012-01-13T14:00:00.000-08:00

Lani passed away peacefully on January 13th, 2012.

She will be remembered by many. We would like to thank everyone who helped out and showed their care in so many different ways.

A little update

2011-10-07T18:56:00.000-07:00

This will be a very brief update as life has been busy (with good things) and I am kind of short on time right now to post.

I had another appointment with my Oncologist on Sept.28th which was Dave's and my anniversary.
This is the second year in a row we have seen her on that date.

My tumour markers are down. That is really good news. LDH up a little again but that could be due to the radiation so, again, no panicking until I get the results of the CT scan.

AH HEM.... CT scan. Ok get this one. I had the scan in Abbotsford on the 14th of September.
I go to the appointment with Dr. Gelmon only to find that the report (to be done by the radiologist in Abbotsford) was NOT WRITTEN UP YET!!! WHAT? Are you kidding me? This is not the first time Dr.'s in Vancouver have been disgusted with the way Abbotsford handles things. What a wing ding of a hospital.

I was in touch with her a few days ago and still no report. No report: Not knowing where to go from here.
My Dr. needs that report to compare to the other ones to see if and where, how much the cancer has spread. That and if there is anything urgent that we need to know. My next phase of chemo or any other treatment hangs on this.
There is a lot that can be determined by blood work but we do need the report to go ahead since it tells a much bigger story.
UGH.

Anyways, otherwise I am good. I am on my oral chemo still for now.

I have had a little scare with what I believe was my liver enlarged and a lot of pain but that seems to be getting a lot better.
Pain went from a 10 to maybe about a 3 or 4 at times. Still concerning but I just have to sit on it so to speak and wait for someone in ABBOTSFORD HOSPITAL to get their ass in gear.
Unbelievable.

Anyways, again, I have to get going as I have run out of time. Expect more from my next posts soon. I am going to try to add the photos from my radiation up here too.

For now I leave you with a photo I found to be quite amusing, gave me a chuckle. Ok, I could not stop laughing for a few minutes.
How true.
Not something you will probably see on my blog again but sometimes you gotta say what the hey and go for it.

That is all for now everyone! Thanks for reading.

Chemo Timing Does Not Affect Breast Cancer Recurrence - OncologySTAT

2011-09-23T19:36:00.000-07:00

Chemo Timing Does Not Affect Breast Cancer Recurrence - OncologySTAT

Exhale

2011-09-01T21:54:00.000-07:00

Today was a loaded day.

8:24am - radiation in Abbotsford. 11am - Blood work in Vancouver, 1pm - Dr. Gelmon.

Today I mentally freaked about my recent sternum pain, possible liver tests and more.
I cried as I waited for the Dr. I never do that but today I felt different.

Long story short, all is ok for now. Bad/good news about my LDH: it was elevated to 580 today from it being 550 3 weeks ago.
Problem: too high. Good thing: Off of chemo for 2 weeks and it has not really risen all that much. AND, it could be higher simply due to the radiation. "Sigh"

My blood work looks good enough to go ahead with oral chemo again starting Wednesday. Radiation is over Tuesday.

Sternum pain sucks but can be from the meds. Ok sounds good to me. Knowing that I will sleep a little better tonight.

Another CT scan in 3 weeks along with blood work and my routine check up. Go from there.

I have info to mull over about MAYBE taking a trial drug.

Iniparib was also spoken about again today short and brief so who knows.

I am in good hands and today turned out better than I thought. If i touched alcohol, I would be drinking wine right now!

More than half way done!

2011-08-30T22:28:00.000-07:00

Today marked my "more than half way point" for the radiation.

Feels good to know that in less than a week, it will be over and done with. Bring on the next battle!
I believe it will be more chemo.Yay. I am excited about that.
My liver seems to have been holding up really well not having been treated with the chemo lately. I do hope that the blood work I will have done this week will confirm that.

My oncologist will have some sort of a plan lined up for me come Thursday and all I can say is that I am excited to get going on it whatever it is.

I have follicular pain so I know it will not be long until I start loosing my hair. Thats ok though, its just hair and I did keep that wig from my chemo a couple of years ago. I call her "bambi" :) A little blonder than I have been use to bleaching my own hair in the past. Oh well, she can be fun :)

I was showing Ethan tonight pictures of us from 2 years ago when I had the wig on. I asked who the people were he said "baby Max" (to him all babys are baby Max since our close friends just had a baby .....named Max) then I ask who the person is with baby Max and he says "people" Hmm, he is going to have to get use to me in my new hair.
He may just tell people years from now, "it was the oddest thing from my infancy, my mom would go in a room and then this other woman would come out and look after me, I was raised by two women!" hehe. I guess he is older now so I can explain it a little better.

So, today has been good. Tomorrow will hopefully be just as well.

I will probably write more towards the end of the week when I get the either good, bad and or ugly (or all of the above) from my Dr.

A HUGE thank you to everyone sending me messages and emails. I love the communication and appreciate it so much.
I enjoy getting back to everyone and am continuing to do so, so if I have not sent you an email yet, I will for sure soon.

You REALLY mean a lot to me with all the encouraging words,scriptures and prayers. Thank you again

Good night and take care everyone!

More bone mets

2011-08-28T09:43:00.000-07:00

Well, Friday I went to see my GP to go over a few things and get caught up with him.

He had the recent bone scan report from a few weeks ago.
It shows that the cancer has spread to my sternum, rib, pelvis and back at T-10 where they radiated last year.
I am not sure if there are anymore spots but those seem to be the "hot spots"

Well, I am just going to brush it off for now,mets are relatively small, I am too busy with radiation to the brain right now to think of anything else until it is finished on the 6th. I am not in a lot of pain. At times, very mild discomfort if anything.

I have an amazing Oncologist that will come up with a good game plan to proceed so I will know more on Sept. 1st.

So, otherwise full brian radiation is going very well. A little tired but radiation in general does that to a person.
I have been having good days with my family and loving life.

I will write more when I know more :)

Pink Glove Dance

2011-08-25T22:37:00.000-07:00

This was sent to me not too long after all my first treatments.

I don't believe I ever posted it so here it is. Its a neat little video

MRI last week, full brain radiation this week

2011-08-24T20:09:00.000-07:00

Wow, how much can change in just a short period of time.

I was having some minor headaches and seeing swirrels of white light in my left eye.
I called my radiologist that sends me for a routine scan to check for any recurring retinoblastoma every year.
I explained what was going on and asked her if I could go a little early for the MRI this year. So, within a very short period of time, I had the MRI. I was told on Thursday that I would get the results in a week or so. My response to the technician was " I am in no hurry, ignorance is bliss, right?" She gave me a look and then said Good day.

Off I went a little worried but pretty happy that the injection went well as they used a vein in my left arm and got it on the first try!

I honestly did not think much more about the scan as I was starting to feel much better. The tiredness was going away and I just plain felt better.

Monday morning I was soaking my feet (trying to ease the neuropathy) when the phone rang. I thought it was the cancer agency calling with a new appointment. Nope, it was the radiologist calling with the results.

I have many brain mets throughout my whole brain. Tiny though.
The best option I was told is full brain radiation and she wants to get me started right away.

I started yesterday, the day after the phone call.

I did not mind, the sooner the better. I went in, was counceled. I was told I will loose all of my hair once again in two to three weeks. I may have seizures due to the swelling in the brain so I can't drive for about a month. Annoying.

I did the radiation and as soon as I got off the table, the right side of my head started to hurt. I figured whatever and went home.
An hour or so later the major headache started. Wow, if you have read my post on the pomedronate reaction, this headache put that to shame. It was unreal the amount of pain. I felt like my brain was beating my skull to get out. There was no easing it.

I was so sick to the stomach from the headache.
Dave researched it after several attempts to contact someone at the abbotsoford cancer agency after hours emergency line.
He said steriods. Great!! I have some left over from chemo in the car.
They helped for a few hours and then wore off. Everything I tried to take for this, I threw up.
Finallly I kept the drugs down and an hour or so later I was ok. No headache since.

I met with the radiologist today before todays round. He said to stay on the Dexamethasone (steroid) until a week or so after my last radiation which will be Sept 6.

I came home and craweled into bed today scared to move that the headache may come back. So far so good!!

Round 3 tomorrow!

Feeling the effects of this chemo

2011-08-17T00:15:00.000-07:00

Well, it has been about a month now since I have started my new chemo, Capecitabine.
My dose was originally too high so it has now been lowered.

I have pretty bad neuropathy in my hands, arms, legs and feet. I believe it was as a result of the cisplatin that I was on previously. Sometimes it can take months even after a chemo drug is stopped to have those kinds of side effects start up.

The Capecitabine was not helping any. The bottoms of my feet were red and sore. A very ugly water blister popped up on my already unflattering baby toe. There were a fairly long list of "this' and that's" from this drug.

My main issue that is still very present is exhaustion. I feel like I am one step away from being classed as narcoleptic.
It is getting a little better as I have no choice but to keep up with my son.
Some days I am guilty of plunking him down in front of the tv and throwing on a DVD such as Chuggington for him.
I almost have to so I can sleep on the couch next to him and re charge. It works for the most part.

Today was much better. We had a play date with a friend and her two gorgeous boys. They all had fun together grafetting my stairs and concrete with cement chalk.All good.

Going back a little here to last week, I had an appointment with my Oncologist.
Dr. Gelmon is now back from her two month sabbatical from the clinic. It is always reassuring to see her and know that she knows what has been going on while she was gone.

I had a CT scan which showed that the cancer has been busy in my liver and bones.
My liver tests a month ago were off by double. They are now once again normal woohoo!!! However, still a lot of new tumours.
The chemo drug does appear to be working but will work much slower than if I had an IV chemo. Ok, as long as its working and I am in no immediate threat of liver failure or something to that effect.

Bone scan did not seem to turn up anything new that I am aware of. I believe that means that although there are still tumours in my bones, they are not destroying them at the moment. From what I gather, its the repair activity that the scan shows up.
Maybe I am wrong on that specific detail but still, it shows no further damage at this time. Again, woohoo!

I have an MRI on my head on Thursday. That will prove once and for all I do have a brain! :)
They are actually checking to make sure that my retinoblastoma is not once again present. This is a routine scan that I have done once a year. However, now they are going to look for any brain mets. from the breast cancer and to make sure my pituitary prolactinoma is not growing as my prolactin levels are even higher than normal these days.
Ah, the list is non stop.

I feel pretty good though. I have no immediate issues due to the cancer itself. Its all chemo side effects but when all is said and done, its really not that bad at all. I still function like nothing is wrong. For the most part when I am not falling asleep on my yoga mat or hunched over a grocery cart taking a nap in front of the spices.

I will write more very soon, for the moment this numbness is quite annoying so I think its time I pack it in and get some sleep.
I have music class with Ethan in the morning and a day of shopping for clothes and other fun stuff after.

Good night, thanks for reading :)

New Insights Into Breast Cancer Treatment During Pregnancy - OncologySTAT

2011-07-25T22:17:00.000-07:00

New Insights Into Breast Cancer Treatment During Pregnancy - OncologySTAT

The cancer is active

2011-07-22T21:43:00.000-07:00

Thursday was my appointment with the Oncologist.

I went for my routine blood work and a chest x ray.

The not so good news was, that my liver function tests are pretty off again.
In just one month, most of them had doubled. It appears that the chemo has finished working for me.
It was holding my cancer back from spreading, but it was no longer shrinking down the tumours anymore.
It was very surprising that my cancer would become so active after being on a "chemo break" for just two months.

I was given a decision to either go back on the chemo that I was previously on or start a new one.
It took me a bit to make that decision.
It would be a few weeks before I would be able to get my chemo IV. That part of it is no good. I don'r want to wait any longer.
I want to get on it right now.

The other option is to take Capcitabene wich is capsules that I can take twice a day for two weeks, then one week off.
That and I can take them at home and can start right away.
Well, a new drug, new fight. So, that is what I went for.
I have now taken two doses, one in the morning and one at night.

I pray that this will shrink the cancer down more.

I would love to write a lot more but I am finding it quite difficult, my fingers are too numb and that nagging pain in my neck is still there.

A little update

2011-07-18T00:34:00.000-07:00

Lately things have been chugging along quite well.
I have to say that I am blessed to not have any symptoms due to the cancer. My complaint department is full of little irritating nagging things that are caused by most likely the chemo.

Funny thing, my neuropathy has gotten worse over the last month or so since I have ended chemo.
I thought it would get better, but no, it has gotten worse. My finger tips are pretty numb, its actually pretty hard to write this right now. (Very good thing I decided to ditch the career idea of Medical transcriptionist)
When I stretch both my arms out, I have a numb, tingly feeling that shoots down both of them and into my hands. Its in the samme place down both arms. Pinched nerve?

My feet are bad. My toes are numb. The bottom of my feet are half numb. Mostly though, on the bottom it feels like I am walking on sand all the time. If there is any little speck of dirt or what have you on the floor, I feel it a lot more than normal.
Its very annoying. I also hate the feeling of our carpet downstairs. I feel all the fibres. They feel like they are all sticking into my feet.
However, having said all of this, I am so blessed.
To be honest, I really don't care if this stays or not. Very small price to pay for feeling so good in almost every other way.
If this is all I get for side effects or annoyances due to cancer, bring it on!!!
I can always peck with my nose at the keyboard.

The only other thing that has been worrying me lately is what I now believe is a pulled muscle in the back of my neck resulting in an ongoing on and off again headache.
I always worry that things like that can be a brain met. since that is another place that this cancer would like to take up residence.

Going back about 11 yrs now, I was in a pretty bad head on car accident.
A 19 yr old kid was out "celebrating" his 19th birthday. He was bar hopping so the accident happened when he was on his way from one bar to another.
He was doing what the police estimated to be 80k and hit me head on. (airbags are awesome if you are not a seatbelt fan and back then I was not)
This wrote off my brand new car with something like 1000k's on it.
The police officer said to me in the hospital that I was very lucky to be alive.

To sum it up, it took quite a while before I could walk again due to knee injuries.
Head, neck and back pain were there to constantly remind me of what a craving for English tea could result in. You never know what is going to happen once you get into a car and drive.

I have off and on woken up some mornings with a head that wont move. Or, at least not with out some pretty bad stiff neck pain.

So, lately, why all of a sudden can my neck pain not be due to this accident still? I guess I worry a lot.

I kind of went off topic with my accident story, its been quite a while since I really have stopped to think about that again.

On another note, I started yoga a month ago.
I go once a week with my mother.
I am really enjoying it a lot. I feel so good after all of that stretching and bending.
However, a lot of the time while I am there and doing my thing, I think to myself "what was i thinking??" But it all works out in the end and I am always glad I went.

I have been drinking a lot of grenen tea lately. I don't know if that doe anything for me or not. Can't hurt though as far as I know.

I want to see a naturopath. I may have mentioned that before but have not done anything to put it into action yet.

I see my Oncologist next Friday.
Actually, its an Oncologist filling in for my regular one. Both my Oncologist and my GP are on sabattical until the end of the month.
Maybe that is why I feel a little more paranoid about things lately.
I am not seeing my Dr.'s that have done such an amazing job to look after me. I don't want to slip through the cracks while they are away.
Having said that though, I have seen both of the Dr.'s filling in and they seem to be trying to be extra thorough with me.
I had to go over a lot of my medical history with one Dr. (I have an inactive thyroid and am on synthroid along with a micro pituitary prolactinoma, these I have to have blood work for every few months to keep my medication dosage regulated) So, having had to start back at the retinoblastoma, by the time I got to the metastatic breast cancer, the Dr. had pulled her glasses down her nose slightly and was looking over the top at me.
"You are quite the medical case" ...."yes, I am" I said as I was having to run out the door after Ethan who ever so quickly got bored of mommy's blathering and chose to split.

So, again, having said all of this, I am very, very blessed.
I may have a medical chart that would tip a scale but whatever. I feel good and at the moment everything is controlled.

Please keep me in your prayers for Friday. I have blood drawn before my appointment to check for tumour markers and any other sneaky business this cancer may be up to.
I hope its behaving itself and keeping quiet.
Aside from my neck pain, there is nothing that would currently make me believe it is up to no good :)

I will post next weekend with how it went, good or bad.
I will also ad some photos, I feel my blog is kind of plain and boring and needs some decorating with some photos.

Liver Resection and Local Ablation of Breast Cancer Liver Metastases—A Systematic Review - OncologySTAT

2011-07-12T14:25:00.000-07:00

Liver Resection and Local Ablation of Breast Cancer Liver Metastases—A Systematic Review - OncologySTAT

All is well Lord Willing

2011-06-27T23:11:00.000-07:00

I saw the Oncologist last week.

My blood work showed that my liver is still doing well. That and she could not feel it enlarged at all. "It is all nicely tucked in there" is what she said. That is a relief!!!
However, what is causing my liver to act up? I guess for now I will just have to be gental with it, its delicate!!

I do have other aches and pains that are coming about. However, I don't want to run to the Dr. every time I have an issue.
Especially since I have routine follow ups every month. That would be the reason for the appointments, to discuss anything out of the ordinary, it can wait.
My tumour marker tests were good as well. They did not show anything more than the last time I had blood work.

Last week I started yoga with my mother.
I can honestly say that I can fully understand now why both of my Oncologists had recommended it to me as they do to most of their breast cancer patients.
I really enjoyed it, it did so much good for me.
I had not been using my theigh muscles for quite some time so I can say I sure felt it for a couple of days after! A little reminder for me to get in shape and stay that way!!
I do plan on going again this week. My goal is to go every week. I sure hope I keep up with it!

I have been drinking a lot of green tea lately.
I am trying hard to get off the coffee as much as possible without cutting it out all together.
I have ended up drinking a lot of green tea. Hopefully it helps!

One of my books is turning out to be dissapointing.
I am not a fan of "from incurable to incredible" It is just not what I had expected it to be.
I don't find it encouraging nor helpful. I am not sure what words I would use to discribe it.
Maybe its just me but I do think that will be a book for the book bin soon.

However, Macrobiotics one is really good. I am learning a lot from it and will share more soon.

Again, another night of lymphedema so time to pack it in.

Good night all :)

Iniparib Loses Blockbuster Image in Triple-Negative Breast Cancer - OncologySTAT

2011-06-22T23:31:00.000-07:00

Iniparib Loses Blockbuster Image in Triple-Negative Breast Cancer - OncologySTAT

Liver Issues

2011-06-22T11:54:00.000-07:00

I have now been off of chemo for just over a month now.
Things had been going pretty good .... or so I had thought.

This past weekend I started to have the feelings of inflammation in my liver. Not a nice feeling.
Accompanied with that was soreness and some pain.
This seemed to last all weekend. By Sunday night, I had had enough. This was starting to get to me, stress me out greatly and make me wonder if this was the end.
I started to have a little mini panic attack late Sunday night and just could not sleep.
This went on for hours, crying and getting stressed over this. Finally, I figured that this is no good, stress ads to the problems and just helps the cancer grow, so, I took half a morphine so that I would just sleep, I did and the next thing I knew, it was Monday morning.

I called the Oncologist, waited for a reply to the message I had left.
That was just not happening so I went in to see my family Dr. He had said that my liver was for sure enlarged slightly, he could feel the edges but that part was not too concerning. The fact that I had pain was.

He ordered blood work. Just before I went to have that done, the oncologist's office called and ordered blood work for Wednesday (today) and set up an appointment to see her on Friday to go over the results and hopefully get some answers to what is going on.

If its the cancer active again, well, at least they are on it quick. If its not, I sure would like to know what is going on and why my liver has now had a couple of bad episodes.

I had my first port flush yesterday. I was able to have that done locally so I did not have to go all the way to Vancouver.
It went really well, in and out so fast.

Ethan and I spent the rest of the afternoon outside filling up his swimming pool and then going for a slosh.
We may just do the same today.

I bought two new books. One is called From Incurable to Incredible
It is written by a lady with metastatic breast cancer to the liver.
She as far as I know is doing very well 8yrs later.
She has compiled stories from many cancer survivors that were given a bleek diagnosis but have seem to have beaten the odds.
Very interesting, I can not wait to read it and see what they have done.

The other book is "The Cancer Prevention Diet" - The Macrobiotic approach to preventing and relieving cancer.

I will write little reviews on both of them as I go.

Other than that, I am just living.

I am surrounded by my amazing family and friends who check in with me daily.
Thank you to all of you, especially those who have been so busy lately but still have had us over for a visit and have dropped in.

It has made this last week/ weekend of worrying a lot easier for me.

That is about all I can write for now as my arm is quite swollen.

Mother loosing custody of her children due to metastatic breast cancer

2011-06-09T13:05:00.001-07:00

I have been following the story of Alaina Giordano.

To sum it up, she has had metastatic breast cancer for about 2 years now. Her husband left her and moved approx. 6hrs away to another state and has filed for custody of the children, 5 and 11 yrs old. I actually think he has filed for joint custody, however, he wants their main residence to be with him which means that the children would have to relocate to another town, school etc.

A judge recently awarded this custody to the father saying that she was not comfortable with the fact that Alaina's future and life expectancy was uncertain due to the breast cancer.

Alaina does not want to leave as well as she has mentioned her support and treatments are where she is in the Durham area.

Since then, there has been so much media on the issue, most of which has all taken her side.

She has filed an appeal. She has found an attorney that was willing to take her case pro bono.

I really do not know what to think. At first I was 100% on her side (not saying that has for sure changed) and so angry that this judge who does not have children of her own (perhaps so she would not make the wrong decision due to bias?) made such a call to rip the children away from the mother who needs them now more than ever.

I relate my own situation to hers. If I had to loose Ethan right now (custody) I don't know what I would do. Honestly, I wonder if I would have the drive to fight. Would it make me give up or fight harder to get better (the small chance I could beat this) and prove I can pick up the pieces of my life and get him back.
I just don't know. I am thankful that I am not in this position.

I do know that if I were in this situation and I was going at child raising alone while fighting cancer, it would be very difficult if I did not have family and friends to support me. Support as in taking my son for days/nights while I had treatments.
I have all of that so I just can't relate.

Alaina's children are not babies though and are capable of helping out and understanding what is going on.

This is a sad situation regardless. I feel so sad for her and her children no matter what the whole story may be.

There are so many posts, blogs, facebook pages (some of which I follow) about this situation. Mostly all supporting Alaina.
I came across one article a while ago that may or may not say it all.

This no doubt is a real tough situation and decision that had to be made.

Again, I am not saying that I am against her. I just am not 100% sure we are all getting the full story.
If we are, then she really REALLY deserves to have her kids and the onus is on the husband to move back to town or sort himself out to make it more convenient for Alaina.
He is the one that (according to everything I have read) broke the marriage vows and left his wife in sickness and for the "worse" part of things and took off to another state.

Regardless, there is a young woman who is fighting stage 4 breast cancer with innocent children who deserve both of their parents and none of this "should" be going on.

Don't call it journalism

2011-06-09T13:05:00.000-07:00

Don't call it journalism: "Child custody disputes are a morass"

No more chemo

2011-06-07T15:32:00.000-07:00

Well, I received the results from the CT scan. It shows that there are no changes.
It did show that one of the large tumours in my liver had shrunk and the other grew. However, the report says that it could be a ..... technical blip so the technician that read it says that that they believe its the exact same as the last one.
No more metastasis, no evidence of growth in any of the tumours in my spine or pelvis, no fractures. Pretty good news!!!

My creatinine is a little high. Could still be from the contrast from the scan. Or, the Gemcytobene.
Kind of scary so now I have to keep drinking a lot of fluids. That is all I can do to help myself.

No more chemo for now. I will have to keep going for blood work to make sure that the cancer does not start up again.
If it does, its right back to chemo. Either the same that I was on or a new regimen.

So, why then am I not so happy? I am scared. I actually do not like the fact that I have now stopped chemo.
I feel that it was my life line. I am however very VERY greatful to God that He has blessed the treatments and He will still be there to hear my prayers.

It is taking a lot to absorb this.
I have been off of chemo for almost a month now anyways but was looking forward to it again on Friday.

Well, its time to just eat right, exercise and try the turmeric and green tea etc. Maybe that will help maybe not.
I do know though it wont hurt.

Planes, Trains and CT scans

2011-06-06T23:05:00.000-07:00

My mother, brother, Ethan and I went on a day trip to whistler on the train. Dave was busy with work so he could not join us.

Ethan loved the train, it was so fun for him. Us as well. it was such a beautiful trip up there!
My mother and I for one thing decided last minute to take a trip to California with my 8 yr old brother and Ethan.
It was quite the mad dash for Ethan's passport. I cut it close. I went in to the office on Monday and had a rush put on it and thanks to my friend Julie (who picked it up for me since I was out of town that day) by Friday evening I had it back and ready to go for the following Monday.

I was worried about Ethan on the plane. He wont sit still for two minutes let alone two and a half hours..... sitting on my lap.
It went really well though. He was happy as can be. He got a little frustrated a few times when he wanted to get up but I wouldn't let him.
Finally I figured whatever and let him run up and down the isle of the plane, me following behind him.
No one seemed to mind. We were on a plane headed to Orange County so it was packed full of kids, a lot of them whiney, on their way to Disneyland. So, what does everyone expect?

We got there Monday and headed for Disneyland on Tuesday.
It was packed. Hot, packed and full of whiney bratty kids and irritated potty mouthed parents.
We had a good time despite that.
Ethan and I separated a lot with my mom and brother since my brother wanted to go on a lot of rides that Ethan can't go on.
Dumbo was wild enough for us (Ethan loved it)
I ended up walking a lot. Ethan would fall asleep in the stroller and I would walk back and forth until I met up with my mother and brother again. Did me the world of good to get that much exercise.

Wednesday we went to Universal Studios. Again my mom and Lucas (my brother actually has a name) ended up going on rides that were not the best for Ethan. So, Ethan and I hung out at the Curious George water park while they went and did their thing.
That was a great idea for kids. I knew about it before we went so I packed a few extra sets of clothes for Ethan.
I stripped him down, took off our shoes and sent him in.
We hardly got a few feet when I was told we have to have shoes on. Really? Ugh.

Well, I put Ethan's sandles back on and remembered seeing sponge bob flip flops in the store conveniently parked right next to the water park. I hauled out the visa and dragged Ethan kicking and crying saying "water, water" and went in to get the flip flops. I mentioned to the cashier if they only sold those shoes they probably would be doing just fine. She smiled and said "Yep"
I hate being forced to buy things like that. Oddly enough though I saw more adults wearing them than kids. I guess we all don't want to get our shoes wet but the kids can deal with soggy shoes lol.
So, that was fun. Ethan loved it. I got soaked too but it was pretty hot so I dried off fast.
We spent most of the day there at the water park and the rest of the kids play place.

After that was a tour of Hollywood. We did this kind of thing last time we were there.
I was worried about how Ethan would hold up being cooped up on the bus for a few hours but he was happy. Tired from all the playing he did.

We did Sea World on Saturday. It was crazy how packed it was.
I have to say my mom and I both can't stand an overly packed place where you have to shuffle since you can't walk. Line ups for food that would take about 2 hrs with kids who have little patience.
To make a long story short, my mom and I were on the verge of a "spat" so before I myself or my mother snapped, I suggested we did our own thing. So, we seperated.
After about 2 minutes I realized I was being stupid so I tried to catch up with them.
Too many people, I saw them but could not even get close enough to yell. I ended up loosing them in the crowd.
Ethan and I just walked and walked.
Everything was way too busy and packed to get into.
I let Ethan out of the stroller and run around a park area where he found a friend and I ended up chatting with other people with kids. So, it was nice.

We did see the whales (ahem, abuse how they are stuffed in that small tank) turtles, sharks and a few other things before the big split with my mom and Lucas so I figured that we got something out of the time there.

When it came close to the time we were to meet at the bus, I got a hand stamp (just incase) and left the park to go and sit by where the bus would meet us. Ok, I get outside and look around at the parking lot and could not figure out where I came from.
So, I got a little stressed and went back in.

There were so many people leaving the place as the whale show was over. So, I fought the crowd to go and look for my mother.
I was tired, had not eaten that day (refused to wait in those line ups and didn't want the crap they were serving at their little over priced stands)
I was tired and just worn out, didn't know where the bus was going to pick us up so my mood was waining.....fast.
I started to actually panic. I did figure the worst that would happen is i miss the bus and either stay in a local hotel for the night and figure it out the next day or take a taxi back so not like I was without a solution.
However, I was too tired to deal with all of that.
Totally forgetting two things. 1 - I had a sticker on me that said what tour company I was with and 2 - My mom had her cell phone on and with her, I started to actually cry. I was so tired.
One man came running up to me and asked in a panic if I had lost a child. He was very concerned. I said, "no, I can't find my mother and my brother" I said this as I burst out crying. LOL. He was not impressed, he said "oh, well here I thought you were missing a child" and walked off.
I ended up finding them at the missing childrens building. LOL. Sad eh? I can be such a wimp.

Trip home went well, we all had fun. Did me the world of good for my health. I walked over 100k in that week for sure.
Great way to start to get in shape. One of the best things I can do to fight this cancer.

Next day I went for another CT scan. Back to reality. Oh yea, I have cancer.

Tomorrow I see the Oncologist for the results.
I don't know what to think. I feel so good, I can lift heavy things, run around from morning until night. I seriously do not have cancer until I go for appointments or chemo. Other than that, it does not physically affect my life in any way shape or form.
Emotionally, yes. I am terrified. I am afraid of the results. I prepare for the worst. One day it may be the worst. Is it now? Or do I have a lot of time? I hate this. I want it to go away.

I am going to try the Tumeric supliments. Apparently it is good for fighting both triple negative along with ER PR positive.
That and green tea. so, thats my new thing along with excersising a lot.

I will post up results tomorrow if they are good. If they are not, I don't know when I will feel like saying anything.
I have right now, thats all I know .........

And yet, another round of chemo today

2011-05-13T23:15:00.000-07:00

Today I did the chemo bit..... once again. *Sigh* This is really getting old, it really is.
I always start to get nauseated before even the chemo hits my veins. All I need is the smell of the rubbing alcohol, the taste of the saline or the tast of the heprin and away I go feeling sick to the stomach. It really is for the most part mind over matter but I just can't get my mind to co operate no matter how hard I try.
I brought sour candies to suck on while I was getting the saline and the heprin. It helped a lot.
I did end up still feeling sick so I was offered gravol through IV. I went for it today to try it out. It worked really well!!
I was so tired but I would rather feel tired than sick. So, that was a sucess and something I will want to do again.

My aunt Brenda and I got chatting with a couple in the chemo room today. It was the husband that was there for chemo. Not sure what type of cancer. I always want to ask others what they are in for but never know if they want to discuss it or not so I don't bother.
We got chatting about Mexico since we are all going to go again (DV) in December before Christmas.
We got to hear some great storis from that couple and chatted quite a bit with them. It was nice.
I love to chat with people but have not had the most social of crowds for the most part.

I have some re arranging to do with my schedule coming up for the rest of the month.
My mom wants to go to Disneyland with my little brother (I have a 9 yr old brother believe it or not) Ethan and myself.
Dave can not go as he is working and can not get the time off.
We are going to go the week after next which means I have to get on re scheduling my CT scan and Oncologist appointment.
That and on the 20th we are all going up to Whistler for the day. That was booked when I was supposed to have the week off of chemo. However, since there was a delay last week, I have chemo next Friday. So, I have a re scheduling project for the next week!
That and I have to go into Surrey to get Ethan's passport submitted. Well, first he has to go tomorrow to get hair cut and passport photos taken. Lots to do!!!

The CT scan will show if the cancer is still dormant. It should be. Its like my body and this cancer have come to an understanding. My liver and spine have let the cancer stay, its like my body said "ok, you can stay ........ just don't touch anything!! Keep your hands to yourself" So, for now thats good enough for me. Would LOVE for it to go away but realistically, this is better than to be expected!

I am off to bed, I think its time to get sleep or my speed tomorrow will be either be slow or stop.

Be Cancer Fabulous

2011-05-07T14:27:00.001-07:00

This is an article that is taken from the local magazine Abreast & The Rest.
I honestly see NOTHING beautiful about cancer nor having to deal with it.
I figured I would copy and paste this anyways.

Be Cancer Fabulous
Written for Sylvia Soo by Titilope Sonuga, Edmonton AB
Be cancer fabulous

Be bruised battered
but never broken down
fabulous

Just be

Carve a space
in this world
big enough
to love yourself in

Even as they carve
through your chest
pump through your veins
wrap you in gauze

wrap yourself
in this

cloak yourself
in this
hold it up
like a shield
against your heart

Impossible means
nothing to you

When the odds were
one in ten
one in a hundred
one in a thousand
you were that
one

The one who
clung to life
when it was easier
not to
dragged yourself
off bathroom floors
wiped the tears from
your eyes
last night's food
from your mouth
and did the impossible

Refused to lie down
and give up
surrender or retreat

This is what beautiful looks like it is raw and uncovered
it is bald and stunning
it is twisted and tangled
It is a crocked line of scars
criss crossing
towards a heart
big enough to
love a nation

This is what beautiful looks like

It is what exists
when we are broken
down past ego
or understanding

When we are faced
with a body that sends
distress signals in the form
of a painless lump

When we are forced then
to cling to a spirit
that refuses to give up

This is what beautiful looks like

So you bare your scars
for us to look upon
so we can trace them like maps
towards our own understanding

Remind us that
there is no treatment
for your smile

there is no prescription
for laughter
there is no cure
for love

You remind us
what it means to be
truly beautiful

2011-05-07T14:01:00.000-07:00

This past week was yet another routine appointment with the Oncologist.
This one went well as most of them have been going very well for me.

The Intern and I got along a lot better this week. He was a different one from the previous week and we clicked unlike the other.
The last one I saw his eyes rolling so I take it he was just as much a fan of mine as I was of his.
Anyways, this one was thurough, friendly and I guess it helped indear himself to me as he called my son very cute.

He feels too that I should have three weeks between rounds instead of two. He actually put that into action now ...again, unlike the Dr. from last week.
My white count was low again so chemo was put off this past week mostly for that reason.
That and my finger tips are now pretty numb along with my feet and ankles.
I keep doing little exercises with my fingers, picking up things up with my finger tips that are tiny. That and practising doing up and un doing buttons. As soon as I can no longer do that, I know I have a problem. As for now, its annoying but I can live with it.

Not much in the way of nausea. It comes and goes on occasion. The last time I was sick was a week ago where we were driving along and it hit me. A few good pukes and I was good to go for the rest of the day!

There will be another CT scan this month. Dr. Gelmon will not be seeing patients for the months of June and July so before she is away, she wants to see whats happening with me. Otherwise it would probably be another month until I would have another routine CT scan.
The Oncologist feels that the cancer will be the exact same as last scan, however no one knows for certain thats why I get the scan.
I hope that it shows the cancer has shrunk. I will be happy too if it shows no change. That is a good thing since it would mean the cancer is still dorment. One can hope though for it to all just finally realize its not wanted and leave.

After that scan, it will be a decision of weather or not to continue on this chemo, change the drugs or to quit all together and just wait and wonder what the cancer will do next if anything.

I have compiled a few ideas on how to get my veins ready for the IV. Besides drinking a lot of water the night before and morning of, there are some hot packs that go inside ski boots. One lady in chemo last week had one on her wrist. She said that helps her a lot. The ones for the heel of the boots work the best since they are the right shape for the hand. Good to know. I am going to try it.
That and my veins have had quite a break even now from the poking. It is handy having my port for blood work even though I am still very grosed out by it.

Well, that about sums it all up. So, I have been feeling really good, I am not a cancer patient in the least until I step into the Cancer clinic for either my check up or chemo, then after that its back to a totally normal life, no pain, (ok a little nausea as mentioned and a teeny bit of exhaustion on some days) no weakness.

As for my son and husband everyone is doing well. They are happy that I am back to cooking on a regular basis and getting out and about doing things.

Thank you everyone!

2011-05-02T18:27:00.001-07:00

Port Issues

2011-04-22T12:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was I guess the second half of round 9 of chemo. I am now going to be starting round 10 in two weeks.
I must have been a half a round off on where I thought I was. Or, I got a half bonus round or something. As it is, I have now completed round 9.

I was half hoping going in there yesterday that my blood work would come back less than favourable and I would be off the hook for this week. No such luck. Blood all came back perfect again so the full dose was given.

Backing up to the part where I had the blood drawn.
I am now going up to the chemo ward to have my blood work done as its so much easier to have just one needle for my whole day, have the blood taken from the port and the needle can even stay in there until after my chemo is given.
Much easier this way. Until yesterday.

I had a nurse call my name to come on with him. I have never seen him before and for some reason I just had a bad feeling about him. Nothing about his appearance, nothing that I could really pin point as I had only seen him for less than half a minute between him calling my name and heading into the room.
My feelings were right.

He was a little fumbly as he was getting everything lined up and prepped and chatting about the needle he would be using.
I just saw that he did not seem to be very confident with himself. I was nervous but at the same time, I knew there was a chance I was just being a little silly so I smiled, said nothing and let him do his job.

He goes to put the needle in the port. Ok, fool proof right? RIGHT? WRONG!!!!!
He put the needle in "the centre" of the port and he says, "its not in" I'm thinking "what, what,what?? How can that be humanly possible"? Not that I have ever done this myself but I seem to always be there while everyone else does it so I kind of have an idea of how it all works and how easy it is.
So, he keeps pushing harder and harder and harder. At one part I thought maybe he was pushing so hard I could retrieve the port itself from my back. I don't think these things are meant to be shoved at and pushed so hard.
I couldn't take it anymore, he pulled out the needle and was going to try again. Oh joy.
However, things happen, maybe he just went at it at a different angle so me being stupid, let him try again. And guess what??
Same. He can't get the needle in!!! Needless to say, I am a little bruised today.

The end result was he did his two tries and failed so in came another RN who I see often at the Dr.'s office. It was nice at that point to see a familiar friendly face. Well, two seconds and it was in. No issues what so ever. Nice. By that point though I was sore, even though I had the Emla cream on (my topical anesthetic) .... the blood was drawn, the needle was in and I was good to go.
I even was less sick about the whole thing since a wave of calm came over me with the nurse (and my friend) there and it just did not seem to be as big of an issue as my mind usually lets me think it is.

I felt quite sick when I came home from it all yesterday. A few times I was up in the middle of the night hanging out on the bathroom floor feeling like the world was ending.
I was able to get back to sleep after "things" let up and I took another Ondanzatron (anti nauseant)
Today I am half and half.

I really wanted to go to church today but I settled for calling in once again.

Its such a nice day so I am going to try to think positive and just carry on.

Chemo yesterday

2011-04-16T14:56:00.000-07:00

I had my chemo yesterday. Full dose as all my blood work came back excellent.

I feel a little crappy today. Spent most of the morning in bed. I had a bit of a headache and felt a little nauseated but nothing a T3 and Ondanzatron could not fix!!!

Last night I was sick to the stomach again. At leaset it was projectile vomit, made it a little more interesting than the average heave!!

My hair has been thinning quite a bit lately. It has upset me quite a bit until today. I just figure that its a small price to pay for the chemo working its wonders.
I have actually started feeling a little better about things. One of them being the fact that the cancer is still present yet dorment. I should really be so thankful for that!! I am looking forward to the day where I stop the chemo and find out what the cancer will do on its own. Ok, very nervous about that but at least I will know really what I am up against when I let it do its own thing.

I really can't complain much about being on the chemo as it really does not bother me a whole lot. I find the worst part of it is mind over matter. I think the more I think of it, the more trouble it causes me. Just the thought of it all makes my stomach swirl.

I have a book I am reading, its by a Presbyterian minister who was diagnosed with Non Hodgkins Lymphoma at age 28.
My God Is Real is the title.
Some of what he has gone through is very similar to what I am going through.
He is completely cured. I believe its been close to 5 years or so since he was diagnosed. Not sure but close.

I do have to admit something kind of silly though. I am a little disappointed that he was not metastatic. Why? Because I feel that millions of people could have written about their cancer being cured when it was only localized to one spot. I guess I want to hear of the miracle cases where the cancer was metastatic and they were cured.
None the less, its great reading. I really enjoy how he incorporates his spiritual side along with his own personal feelings, experiences and sense of humour.

I will try to find a link to the book and post up some excerpts.

Well, I can't think of much else for today. I have been overly lazy and should really get dressed (its 3pm after all)
Time to think about going to get some grocery shopping done.

CT scan results = so far so good!- Part 2

2011-04-07T13:14:00.001-07:00

I got the results from the latest scan yesterday.
The cancer has done nothing in the past two months. It has not grown, spread nor has it shrunk. Its dorment.
This is very very good. I am so happy and relieved to know that there is no threat from it. Its behaving.
I was a little sad to hear that it has not shrunk more. However, it is still possible it can I would imagine.

I am not going for chemo this week. My neutrophils were too low. Its taking a little longer to get back to normal after each round of chemo now. That and I was a little sick last week which I am sure did not help any.
I have an extra week off which is nice.

The new plan I believe is that I will have one extra week off between rounds from now on. Instead of 2 weeks, I will have 3. Nice!! One of the things I hoped for.

I am also going to keep going with the chemo. The next step with the cancer would be to stop chemo and keep checking to see what the cancer would do on its own. Its possible that its going to stay dorment for who knows how long. However, my Oncologist feels that the more it gets treated with the chemo, the more it gets kicked while its down. I agree fully. I am wiling to keep going until no matter what I want or think I just can't. As much as my body will take, I'll do it.
It could be another month, couple months year, I just don't know.
I would love for this cancer to just go away and I can get on with life. It is not completely a pie in the sky to hope for that.
Am I going to beat this and win? I don't know but like I keep saying, I sure am going to try.

Results tomorrow

2011-04-05T22:52:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is my routine visit with the Oncologist.
I also will get the results of my routine CT scan. I am very nervous of this even though there have been zero problems to make me think that the scan will show anything worse than what I already know. Still, hard to keep positive. I just don't know why.
It is easier being pleasantly surprised rather than let down pretty hard in a situation like this. Having said that, I really pray that things are good and maybe I am just over reacting about a "routine" scan. So far so REALLY good right?

My veins will get another beating tomorrow. I have to put in a request with the Dr. about getting my blood drawn from my port on a regular basis. I might just do that as much as it creeps me out. I just wont look!!!
I do have to say it was so much easier having it done that way. There was one needle and that was it rather than the multiple gouges every week. Hopefully tomorrow will be good though. I am drinking a lot of water and that helps a little.

Chemo is on Friday.
Its been a nice two weeks away from it. I have been feeling pretty good considering.
I was able to get a lot of house work done so that is caught up pretty much entirely.

Ethan is on a sleep over tonight at his grandparents. A huge help since I have to be in Vancouver for 8am...which means I have to leave here at 6am.

I started a Mommy and Me music/dance class with Ethan this past Monday.
He loves to dance and so I figured now was a good time to start something like that.
I have been wanting to for a while now, just was not sure as to what one had the best quality.

Off to bed. I have finished as much cleaning as I can manage for one night.
After putting in one more load of laundry I can actually sleep. Not sure how well I will sleep though since my little man is not here. I am not use to him being gone for the night. He and I are usually together almost 24/7.
I always do enjoy a little time to myself to get things done but can't stand being away from him.
I hope tonight is going a lot better for him than last night. He kept waking up and not being able to get back to sleep.
At one point Dave went in there to try to calm him down since I am usually a sucker and will drag him into our bed and cuddle until he falls asleep and either keep him there all night (and then I find Dave on the couch in the morning) or Dave will bring him back to his bed at some point.
Last night Dave takes him out of his crib and asked him to show him what was upsetting him. Ethan then walked out of his room into ours and climbed into our bed. Cute. We had to let him stay for a while after that.

Ethan is always an easy boy. I think that there has been maybe one night where he has fussed all night and had a bad sleep. I am still trying to remember that night, when it was and what it was all about but havent figured it out yet.

I will post the results of the CT scan tomorrow evening.

Ok so off to bed I go. Really.

6 months since metastatic diagnosis

2011-03-28T22:25:00.000-07:00

Its officially been 6 months since I was diagnosed as metastatic and pretty much given only a few months to live.

This cancer is under control as far as I know at this moment.
I am feeling the effects now of the chemo. I feel sick to the stomach so much. It comes off and on like a wave. I just never know how I will be feeling from one minute to the next. Very frustrating.
I find myself sitting a lot on the bathroom floor spending way too much time staring into the toilet.
My son comes up to me and rubs my back wich is so sweet and makes me feel better. I hate the fact he has to see that but what can I do?
Right now I feel half and half. I have not been eating much the last few days. Total food adversion. I know I have to eat so tomorrow that is my goal.
Its just so hard when I think of food, I think its going to make me sick.
My stomach is paining from throwing up so much.
Its not a fun cycle to get into. Sick so I don't eat and then I am sure I feel even worse since I don't eat.
I am going to pick up some Boost tomorrow so at least I have that.

I have now had the first half of the 9th round of chemo.
This is my week off of chemo which is really good. I just feel I can't do it. I have to do it so I will but its getting harder and harder to talk myself into it.
I noticed that last week as soon as the IV started I started to get sick to the stomach. I know that was all in my mind but still, the whole process is getting a bit much. However, I keep remembering how much good its doing for me so that keeps me in this fight for my life.

My prayers have been blessed a lot. I can't forget to stop and thank God all the time.
My bone scan results came back so awesome like I had mentioned. Now I await the outcome from a routine CT scan.
The scan went well this time. I was not putting up with any crap from the techs/nurses that never listen to me.
I asked for the nurse that knows how to deal with me and my tiny veins. She was there!! I had her and she was no fuss no muss and got the IV going on the first try!!! So nice unlike last time where I believe it took 5 of them and 10 pokes before I got her who ended up telling everyone to do what I had mentioned to do in the first place but who wants to listen to a stupid patient?

It has been 2 months since the last scan so I am eager to see what the results are.
I am scared and excited all at the same time.
Liver tests keep coming back normal so that is a very good sign.
I will know the results on April 6 when I go in for my routine check up with the Oncologist. Unless of course there is something urgent that shows up. Hopefully not!!
I don't mind waiting, I know what I am dealing with and the wait gives me more time to pray about it.

My port was used for the first time last week for drawing blood. A little creepy but I never watched and tried to keep my mind off of it. SO much MUCH easier on me though!!
I went in for my blood work and there was just no way to get anything. My veins are just shot for now.
I was poked quite a few times which sucked since i had to keep one good vein for the IV for the CT scan.
Flat out it was getting blood from a stone. Just not going to happen.

Tonight my son and I went out the front door to clean up my planting mess and found such a beautiful plant all nicely done up with a card attached. We both were so happy to see that!!
We are thought of so much by so many that are caring and helpful. It means so much to me and my family!
I thank everyone for everything. These things help so much to get through tough days. Knowing that people care is another blessing.

Well, back to doing some house work before I crash back into feeling crappy. Hopefully that wont happen tonight!

Bone Scan Results

2011-03-16T22:58:00.000-07:00

Well, today another prayer was answered and the bone scan showed to be good.
The only place that was showing up was in my spine which I knew about from the beginning of this whole ordeal and had radiated. So, its not in my pelvis, not in my legs or anywhere else that I was dreading it was. I just can not believe it!! I am so relieved and happy and thankful most of all.
Days like this, I really get it in my head I can beat this cancer. I hope I am right.
I feel some days that I am just getting by by the skin of my teeth so to speak.

My LFT's all came back normal as well. My LDH level is going down once again. It was 223 today.
My liver was also normal size today as well. The Oncologist could not feel it at all so that is all good!!

I asked what the recent liver pains could have been and I was told that bruising due to the tumours shrinking. I don't mind a little pain if that's what it is!!!

God is sure blessing me and my family.

uhhhh....bone scan?

2011-03-16T01:22:00.000-07:00

I still have not heard back from my Oncologist regarding the results of my bone scan.
Its been almost 2 and a half weeks. I guess the good thing would seem that there is nothing urgent.
I would assume that if there was anything urgent I would have heard back from her or a radiologist. Nothing so far.

I am really nervous about going to see the Oncologist for the routine bi weekly check up. I guess I have been living in hope that all is well with the bone scan and tomorrow I will find out for sure.
I usually go crazy waiting for results but this time I have been ok with the waiting. In fact, I could do another couple of weeks waiting!!
I hate to sound pessimistic but I just have a feeling that things are not "good"
I will know this afternoon (wednesday) and will post up.

This past week I have experienced pretty bad vertigo.
Apparently this could have been a result from the Cisplatin. A rare side effect but one none the less.

My hair is thinning quite a bit but I do still have a lot left.

Well, I should get to bed and get some sleep. Tomorrow is another day to face and I should be mentally with it in case I need to make any important decisions assuming that the bone scan turns up anything unpleasant.
Please pray for me that this scan will be good. Thanks :)

Bone Scan

2011-03-06T12:23:00.001-08:00

This morning I checked my emails.
I often get the random email from someone wanting to write on my blog about their own experience or marketing their own sites etc.
Today it was from some guy who wanted to offer some insight on how to cope with "this terminal illness" wow that was pretty powerful. It hit me really hard for a minute. Then I thought about it. I am still fighting this. You can label it whatever you want.
There are people who come out of this. A very small amount of people but it does happen. Am I delusional? Maybe. Probably.
But, if I don't fight, I for sure will not be one of the minority. So, I carry on. I carry on with hope and determination. Not to be brought down by stupid words like terminal.

My chemo is going so well. I have had half of round 8 already. Recommended dosage is 5 rounds.
Well, my white count was low last week so I actually only received the Cisplatin. No Gemcitobene this past week. I had mixed feelings about that one. Kind of happy and disappointed. I want to keep going at the fullest but at the same time I know I was feeling a little crappy so my body needed the break. I also get one this week as well since its my week off of chemo.
I will be ready for it all next week!!

I had a bone scan done last Monday. I was having some pain in my hip and leg. Well, as soon as I mention it, it goes away.
I was not imagining it at all. It was always bugging me and so sore. Lately, nothing.
I have not heard anything on the scan as of yet. Is no news good news? I hope.
I have noticed that my legs are less bruised lately too. Bruising is associated with bone metastasis. Not sure the details as I cut myself off from looking into more things like that.

I have a CT scan booked for the end of the month to see where things are in my liver. Hopefully the tumours continue to shrink as they have been! I keep hopeful!
It sure would be nice to be told that the cancer really is under control and I can have some time off chemo and have the port removed.
The port is not really bothering me but I am always worried about it being bumped .... that and it would just be nice to have some more normalcy around here!!

I still do have it really good! My son and I go swimming two days a week.
We did not go the past week and a bit since Ethan has an ear infection. Once he is completely over that, we will be back to our lessons.
Tumble time is a favourite of Ethan's. He runs around the gym playing and observing other kids playing. I just chase after him!

I have no back pain. No issues other than a nauseated feeling that will hit off and on whenever. I keep my pills close by just in case. I honestly don't care about that though. Its nothing compared to what the chemo is doing to the cancer.

I have had other side effects from the medications I have been given along the way. Some things I have mentioned here and others I have kept to myself. I may mention them at some point soon as they are just a memory (bad memory) but in the past.

Life can go on being metastatic. I feel so good. I do have the nausea like I mentioned but that is minimal and for the most part I want to always get out and do things. Clean the house, cook and my favourite is spend time with my son.
Today is such a beautiful day. We are going to get outside and play as soon as I can get my lazy self dressed and out.

PARP Inhibitor Iniparib Fails to Meet End Points in Metastatic Triple-Negative Breast Cancer Study - OncologySTAT

2011-02-04T13:56:00.000-08:00

PARP Inhibitor Iniparib Fails to Meet End Points in Metastatic Triple-Negative Breast Cancer Study - OncologySTAT

CT scan results = so far so good!

2011-02-03T17:18:00.000-08:00

I saw the Oncologist yesterday with the results from the CT scan done last Friday.

The scan showed that the liver mets have shrunk down from 3. something cm to 2. something cm in just a little less than a month and only one and a half rounds of chemo in that month!!! Wow!! NOT what I was expecting to hear at all. I really did expect the worst and was prepared for the worst.
However, there was not a crystal clear comparison of the bone mets from one scan to the next so, as far as I understand my Oncologist is going to have the images sent over to her location and have her radiologists read them to see if there are many or any changes in the bones. Hopefully not although I am still having a bit of pain. Pain that I can live with no problem, I just need for peace of mind that it is nothing to be alarmed about.

I had chemo again today. The Gemcytobean and Cisplatin continue. I have now completed round 6.
LD has gone up to 293 which make me panic since it is on the incline after such a wonderful decline. Does it mean much, I don't know but I do continue to worry.

I feel great now after chemo today. Last time I felt pretty crappy right after. Not so bad today so that is good.
I have come home to a happy boy playing with his new Matchbox car that Daddy bought him the other night. It was so nice to come home to his smile. Sure makes everything so much better :)

I am going to continue to keep the idea of doing as much as I can with my son. I should cancer or no cancer really get out and live.
We start Mommy and Tot swim lessons next Monday. We are so excited that my really really good friend and her son are going to join us in the same class!! What a bonus!
Those lessons are Monday and Wednesdays so that will keep us busy with something exciting those days.
Tuesdays I am going to try to make a point of going to Tumble time at the Y. I took Ethan there this past Tuesday and he loved it.
Kindermusik was another thing I really wanted to get Ethan into but I am carefully thinking that one over. We will try a class out to see if the price is worth it. Otherwise there is always story time at the library around the same time his class would be scheduled for.

I finally have a half decent/clean house once again. I have had a lot of energy to get laundry and cleaning done on my own. Ok well, with a little help. However, I no longer have the cleaning girl come in.
I did not expect to get better so fast and have full ability to do anything and everything that I was able to do before this cancer showed its ugly head once again. Its nice.
I am enjoying it all as much as I can. Every second that I feel good is such a blessing and I never forget that.

Well, off to figure out dinner. I do have the energy to cook but I feel a bit lazy. I am thinking of going out for Italian. If I can get Dave interested then I think we will go.
One thing after chemo, I always want to eat a lot (ok I am like that even when I don't have chemo but its a tad more so!!) and I for some reason crave greasy foods.

Urgent CT Scan done today

2011-01-28T22:21:00.000-08:00

I contacted my Oncologist a few days ago to let her know that the pain I have been having in my back is not getting any better. Some days I feel it is getting a bit worse.
That and earlier this week I saw my GP who said that he could feel the edges of my liver and it felt enlarged to him.
Made sense to me since I have been having a bit of pain there and a feeling of pressure on my liver was bothering me.
That seems to be a bit better now. The back pain is still there. The other day it actually felt a little better but its just not going away.

My Dr. had me in within 2 days of notifying her of my symptoms.
I went in today for the CT. I had mentioned right away to the nurse about my vein situation. They are all crapping out on me from all the wear and tear of the chemo. They are very fragile and teeny tiny so the ones that will actually work have to be used carefully.

I told her that usually a baby needle is needed and to start the IV slow. Now, I know it sounds bad me trying to tell them how to do their job. I said it in the most polite way. The nurse insisted that they can not use a baby needle for me so she was determined to use a larger needle.
I felt like total crap today so I was in no mood to argue for long. I figured well...ok, go ahead then.
SO, 3 nurses later and 6 tries later I finally got the RN that did the line the last time I went in. She took one look at me and said she remembered me and the tiny veins. She then went on to say that for me a baby needle is needed and to start the IV slow.
She got a vein on the first try.

It was a pretty long draining experience again today trying to get the IV in. A lot of pain but it was short lived.
It took well over an hour to get the vein thing sorted out and about 2 minutes for the CT scan.

I should have results soon. I am really nervous about it. However, I just have to stay positive and try not to think about it until I get the phone call.

I am still waiting for the Iniparib. I have no idea when that will happen. Good thing I did not hold my breath.

This week I have off of chemo and then I go again next Thursday.

The Self-Exama by Beyond Boobs!

2011-01-22T21:39:00.000-08:00

Deja Doo Doo - Uh oh, is recent history repeating itself?

2011-01-22T21:06:00.000-08:00

So things have been going really well. Up until about a week ago.

My back is starting to hurt again. Hips too. One part of my spine if I touch it, its very painful.
This is the same pain that I had in the beginning of everything last summer before I was diagnosed as metastatic.
My LD levels have gone up to 240. Dave thinks I am obsessed with those numbers and I suppose I am.
They tell a lot though.
I know my CT scan looked really good less than a month ago. I know that these things can pop up fast though and that is what scares me. I worry that maybe my chemo is not working as well as it was. Maybe the cancer cells are becoming tolerant to the drugs and are spreading and growing again.

Also the last few days I have been noticing my liver is a bit sore again.
I may be being paranoid. I am like that but I really do not feel "right"

I just had the first have of the 6th round of the chemo regimen that I am on. I go back in two weeks for the second half.
I am not sure what the plan is after that. This particular regimen is supposed to be for only 5 doses. Since I have been tolerating it very well and it has shown to be working very well, I am for sure going to complete the 6th round and MAYBE do more. Not sure the details on that.
I am waiting for the Iniparib. That is to be given with the Cisplatin and the Gemcitobene. Time is kind of ticking.
My Oncologist has been on it trying to get it in but there are always hold ups.
There were a few options that were very briefly discussed during my last visit with Dr. Gelmon.
One thing was we could try to go for more rounds of this chemo drug and do the Iniparib (when it actually arrives) and monitor for toxicity. Or, try it with another one. I am not sure the details on that however since I thought it only worked with the two chemo drugs. Or, wait until things get out of hand again and do the Iniparib then.
I will discuss it more at my next appointment with her in two weeks before chemo.

She had also mentioned that people take a chemo holiday. I really don't want to. I want to keep going as long as its safe.
If its too toxic for my body and damage will be done, then fine, I will take the break. If its just a case of it waring me down and me feeling like crapy then I want to keep going.
I would rather hire someone to come in every day and watch my son so I can really fight this cancer and then be here in the long run for him.

I had chemo for the first time in Vancouver this past Friday.It was different.
I have to go into Vancouver now as I have completely changed Oncologists to Dr. Gelmon.
The drive kind of sucks since I am going a lot further for the same drugs than I was to Abbotsford but its worth it.
I have an amazing Dr. who is not only awesome in her work but a very nice, kind and compassionate person. I feel she has my best intrest at heart.

Anyways, so it was a little different how the set up was there.
In Abbotsford its a pretty open area. The nursing station is in the middle and the chemo stations are all around it in a large oval. In Vancouver there are separate rooms. I was in a room with three other ladies. One nurse stays in the room the whole time. It was quite.
At first I was not sure I would like that since I liked being out in the open where all the action was and could chat with people who were passing by along with the nurses.

I did chat with the nurse that stayed in the room on Friday. She was very nice. That and I actually had a great window view of the mountains. I did not mind it after all. Maybe quiet is sometimes good? Once in a while. I love action and lots of people to socialize with.

Well, thats about all the excitement for one week. I am trying to get my mind off of any aches and pains being a result of this stupid cancer but its hard.
Oh, one good sign I believe is that I have not woken up to any of those horrible night sweats in quite a while (knock on wood)
I know that is a sign of cancer and I had that often before I was diagnosed and it actually got quite bad for a while.
So, no night sweats and I really hope to keep it that way! Lately every night before I go to bed I am a little worried about waking up to a grose soaking wet me and bed.
I need to get my brain occupied on something other than this stupid disease.

New Years and Mexico

2011-01-11T19:22:00.000-08:00

It has been a busy couple of months.

I had seen Dr. Gelmon last month right before the holidays.
Things are looking pretty good for me. The Iniparib is on its way. When it will be here, I am not sure but it for sure has been approved for me so hopefully soon I should have it.

I felt so much better after that appointment. Just a few simple words from her really gave me hope. It was light a huge weight was lifted off of me. My brain shifted from "I'm dying" to "there is just so much hope for me". Sometimes few words can be pretty powerful.
She had ordered a CT scan for me so that she could compare the tumours now to how things were just before I had started the chemo.
I actually was surprised that she would want one so soon. Or at least that is how I felt. I felt that I needed a few more rounds in before I would want a comparison. However, she is the Dr. so she ordered it.
I had my scan on Dec. 30th. I was nervous. Not of the scan, just as to what it would show.
All of my blood work had been coming back normal. All LFT's were good. Even the LD had come down to 176!!!
I knew that the CT would show some improvement but I was not sure what. That and I was afraid that it would show some newb's just starting up or spreading starting.
Anyways, while away on holiday I received a reply email from her.
The first part of the email said: "Your CT looks great. Still shows disease but it has decreased significantly" This is good news. "

Those also were powerful words. I wanted to wait until we came home before I got the results. That way I could think the whole time that things were good and live in bliss. Even if it was going to show bad results, I chose to be ignorant....since its blissful.
But. great to hear that.

Now I just wait to hear what I should do with the next round of chemo. I believe it is my last of the Gemcitobean and the Cysplatin. (All spelled wrong but I am too lazy to look it up) I am scheduled for chemo in Abbotsford when I was supposed to have switched over to Vancouver now. I don't want to screw up the Iniparib since I believe it is supposed to be taken with either Cysplatin or Carboplatin. I hope to find out tomorrow what is happening.

Other than all of that, I feel great.

We had a great New Years with family. We stayed at the Four Seasons Waterfront in Vancouver.
We all went to the dinner there. It was amazing.
Ethan and I actually stayed awake until after new years. As soon as the new year rang in, I cried like an idiot and could not stop.
I can be a very emotional person. I cried so much because I MADE IT to 2011!!! Something that did not look too promising to me last year. I was just so happy.

We left for Mexico on Jan. 3rd. We went back to the place where we were for our honeymoon 3 years ago.
We stayed at the Gran Bahia in the Mayan Rivera. I love that place!!
We relaxed, swam in the pool, walked all over, ate and ate and ate. It was so nice to be there and in the sun.
I did not feel like a cancer patient. I still thought about it a lot but it did not bother me. I was too busy enjoying myself.

For my birthday we swam with the dolphins. Something I have always wanted to do.
It was a blast. I am afraid of fish but that did not stop me.

Now that we are home and unpacked, things are just a little too quiet. I love action and being around a lot of people.
I feel off for a few days or so when I am home. I love being with my son but do miss people all around me to socialize with.

Hopefully in the next few days I will know what is happening with the Iniparib

Comments Missed

2010-12-01T21:27:00.000-08:00

I just went through my comments and realized I have missed so many.
I am so sorry to those who have left some really nice, warm and encouraging comments.
Some were from this year and I feel so stupid to say some were from last year.

I appreciate them all and what great support.

For those who are also struggling with cancer, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers for sure.
Its a tough battle and I am glad that we all have each other to network with so we are not alone.

Again thank you and I will scan the comments more closely and get back to everyone sooner than later.

Port is implanted

2010-12-01T20:18:00.000-08:00

Today I had the port implanted.

It actually did not start out so well. My veins are failing me in my left arm. Its getting harder and harder to find a vein that will cooperate. That is the whole purpose of getting this port, so it will be a no fuss no mus issue every time I go for an IV.

I got jabbed about 5 times today to find a good vein. I feel like the human pin cushion. Finally, one of the nurses saw some good veins by my wrist which I was hoping would go un noticed since that is a painful area for an IV. She zeroed in on one and went for it. It was not pleasant but like she said, she could try a few more and have them not work or go straight for that one and be done with it. So, in the end that was ok.

After that was done, I went in for the procedure.

My biggest fear was having to walk into an OR and climb on the table. Something about having to walk in there is....eery. I may be being a little dramatic about that, but I guess I am a wimp.

This time was not so bad. I guess sine it was not an actual OR and there were no "wings" on either side of the table to have my arms strapped down. My arms were kind of tied up beside my body, but that was alright. Not a bad feeling.

I had a plastic tent put over my whole head so I could not see what was going on. That suited me perfect. I don't want to see or hear anything.

They started off with the prophylactic anti biotics and then ran a sedative through the line. Not sure what it actually was but it seemed to work well since my legs stopped shaking and I became so relaxed and happy. I was pretty nervous. I asked for a little more of the sedative since I was hoping to pass out so I did not hear anything going on.

The freezing was then injected. That was a little painful but oh well. I told the Dr. that I have problems with freezing. When I had my C-section, the epidural did not freeze me. So, today to be sure, I got extra freezing.

I was lying there with my head turned to the right where there was a nurse there that is supposed to be there for support for the patient to keep me calm and assured that everything is ok. I remember turning to her, and well, that was it, I was out. The sedatives put me right to sleep and I don't remember much of anything.

An hour passed and I started to wake up. I do think I woke up a few times when there was a little pressure on my chest but fort he most part I was happily sleeping. When the whole thing was over, I was happy but actually missed my little relaxation time. I was totally blissful with the sedatives!! Some people go to the spa for relaxation, well, I go for surgery! It turned out to be just fine, I did not hear a word of what anyone said and I felt nothing.

I was in recovery for an hour. I did not need any pain killers nor did I feel sick to the stomach. Since I could not have food from about 12am, I was starving. I stuffed myself full last night and drank so much water I think I made a fish look dry.

I was given a really good turkey sandwich and milk, waited with my mother to be sprung and finally I was.

I started to feel like crap on the way home and was not sure if I would make it without puking all over my mothers car. I made it. Ran inside and downed a Metoclop anti nauseant and went and took a nap on the couch. I was just feeling extra crappy and crampy too because of my period. So, I was a ball of blah.

My neck is hurting right now. I am bandaged right up, probably looks worse than it is. I just took a T3 and watching Survivor and then I think its bed time.

The port is kinda neat. I got to see one before it was implanted. I should have taken a photo of it.

Friday is chemo again and I am very excited.

I pray that God will continue to bless the efforts and the chemo that is being given. So far I have so much to be thankful for. What would I do with out chemo, what would I do with out the port? My veins can't take it much longer and i am so thankful for this port.

I am still waiting on the Iniparib and I pray that there are no "glitches" in getting it. I am in total survival mode and I need it so bad.

Yup, I'm still here

2010-11-29T21:48:00.000-08:00

Not too much has changed or happened in the last couple of weeks.

I did not end up going for chemo last Friday.
I had decided on the port. My Oncologist wanted to hold off on one round to make sure my blood work came back really good for the day surgery to implant the port. That and I had phlebitis in my veins from the mishap at ambulatory daycare trying to put an IV in.(the phlebitis is still there but getting better)
Anyways, blood work came back as always really good. I am scheduled for my port implant on Wednesday.
I am warming up to the idea. It will make life easier. My veins were getting sore and I was almost begging to use the right arm.

I feel lost with out my chemo last week. Its working soooo good that I get worried about taking a little time off.
I was told that I am ok to go this Friday since the port can be used right after it is put in providing there is no infection.

I have been doing soo much better lately. The chemo and radiation have worked wonders.
I can't imagine if these treatments were non existant or if for whatever reason I could not get them.
Its all keeping me alive and making me feel so much better and my life is back to good and normal. I couldn't be happier.

I had seen my family Dr. today who receives copies of all my lab and other test results.
He went over everything from the past two weeks with me in detail.
My liver is functioning normal!!! I am so happy. I knew the tests before were close to normal but.....normal now!!
My LDH is 222. My Dr. considers 220 to be of normal range. Awesome. I still can't believe I went from a LD level of 2,111 to 222 in just two full rounds of chemo and a little radiation.

My MRI of the back of my eyes that I have done on a yearly routine basis was also done two weeks ago.
I get this to ensure that my first cancer, retinoblastoma is not coming back.
All clear!! Not only that but it showed that I have no mets in my brain from the breast cancer! I have nothing in my head! Well, I would like to believe there is a brain somewhere but nothing as in no cancer :)

I have had some really, really, REALLY good test results and I have God, Dr.'s and modern medicine to thank.

Everything is back to normal around here. Its at the point that since this cancer is not taking over my life, I can forget completely about it more now.
Even my body is going back to normal. I am not loosing my hair from this chemo and my period has come back.
The chemo does not bother me at all... AND its working hard for me against the cancer.

This is now two months after the metastatic diagnosis :)

Radiation Photos

2010-11-17T10:33:00.001-08:00

Radiation

2010-11-17T10:08:00.000-08:00

I have now finished radiation.

I started last Tuesday. I went for a total of 5 rounds to hopefully completely zap the one large tumour in my spine.

The only problems I had with the radiation was the nausea and exhaustion. I slept a lot after I had gotten home from each round.

It was very interesting. It took longer to line me up with the machine than it did to actually get radiated. The whole process would only last about 10 minutes in total.

My back is red where the radiation hit but not sore at all.

Over all the radiation has worked wonders. I can actually move with out pain in my hips.
I can move in bed with out massive pain. I can move!!

I am picking up Ethan, changing diapers. Yep, I am excited about changing diapers lol.

Its just amazing. I can do so much more and am getting my independence back.

Last Tuesday when I had started the radiation I had also gotten my infusion of Pamidronate.

The bone strengthening med. It will help the bone fill in where the tumour ate away at it.

That drug did not go so well. It took an hour to infuse. I had about 10 minutes left when my knees started hurting. That night it was pretty painful as well and I was up and down, couldn't sleep.

I was either walking around the house or throwing up. It was a pretty crappy night. I didn't know which it was, the drug or the radiation.

In the morning my mother came by to take me in for my next round of radiation and to see the Abbotsford Oncologist. (Did I ever mention I have two oncologists at the moment?)

I felt so horrible. By this point my legs and hips were so sore. I was still sick to the stomach.

I rolled out of bed, grabbed my barf bowl and went. I didn't get dressed, I really didn't care going in my jammies.

I felt a little better, I started with the radiation and after that I slowly started to feel the pain coming back in my legs and hips. I went upstairs to see the oncologist and by the time I got there I was in so much pain, pain I have never felt before. I felt like my bones had all been crushed and the pain was so intense and just did not let up.

This went on for about an hour. I had seen the nurse and the oncologist.

I was given a shot of morphine along with and anti inflammatory. At first all it did was make me too tired to walk around which sucked since walking around seem to help the pain rather than lying down.

Finally, the pain let up. I waited a while and the pain did not come back so I was able to go home.

This was a side effect of the Pamidronate. Apparently severe bone pain is a rare side effect.
Needless to say, I am going to be getting a different bone med. after this.
I have to have one once a month. Not sure for how long though.

I am still waiting for my Iniparib to arrive. I can't wait to get that one.

Chemo will commence once again this Friday. I am looking forward to it since it is working really well.

Chemo today

2010-10-29T20:50:00.000-07:00

For the past week I have actually been feeling pretty crappy.

I have had some side effects to the chemo and other drugs that I am on.

This has all worn me right down and made me feel over all bad for a whole week with zero energy or ambition to do much other than lay in bed and sleep or think.

This morning after a night where I had next to no sleep, I woke up feeling like I just could not do chemo today. For one thing, I figured my blood work would be off and I would not be able to get it anyways.

Nauseated, I stayed in bed and told my husband that I am just not up for it and I was thinking of calling to see if I could re schedule for Monday.

Dave said part of fighting is about doing things even when you don't feel like doing them.

I thought about it for a bit and yea, that is part of how I am fighting to beat this. If it kicks me when I am down, that is just no good all round. I have chemo scheduled at that time for a reason and if I don't go, that gives those tumours more time to plot against me and re produce.

Then, he brings my son into the room, he gave me a kiss with a smile and was just his cute self, I then got out of bed (well, ok still took me a few minutes to talk myself into it) and got ready and went.

Took my barf container with me which I did not use, bucked up went.

As soon as I walked into the hospital, the smell of coffee from Starbucks hit me. It smelled so good and something about it perked me up. Good thing I got there at high noon.

Went upstairs for my blood work and then went to get something to eat. I finally felt like eating after two days.

Chemo was a go. I had a great nurse today. Got to sit and listen to the wonderful sounds of the drugs going through me.

Tonight I feel sick again but I am late taking my antinauseants which are prescribed before chemo and for a day or so after. My fault for right now.

Now I am going to get into my jammies and think about crawling back into bed.

Im fighting to stay alive for my son

2010-10-27T19:09:00.000-07:00

New Diagnosis, new life

2010-10-27T18:46:00.000-07:00

Its been pretty much one month since I had gotten the results of the CT scan.

I am now a metastatic breast cancer patient.

The cancer has spread to my spine and my liver.

My back pain all along was due to tumours surrounding the spinal cord and pinching off nerves that shot down to my hips.

The liver part came as a total shock to me though. I had felt uncomfortable pressure when I would be holding my son up against my stomach but I figured it was.... my stomach and something simple. Not related to my liver.

Apparently my liver had become so enlarged that it would push on my stomach too.

So, my oncologist gave me the bad news, set me up for chemo two days after and thats where it all began.

I am now on Gemcitabine and Cisplatin.

So far it has really been doing me wonders. I have gone for one and a half rounds (I go for chemo two Fridays in a row which is one round, then I have a week off and then back for the next round)

I am waiting on a drug that is apparently a breakthrough in triple negative breast cancer treatment. Iniparib. I should be getting it sometime soon and am very much looking forward to it.

It stops the cancer cells from repairing their DNA by about 50%.

I have not looked too much into the drugs themselves as I have learned from the last time I had chemo, sometimes too much information is.......not good. I worry too much.

My blood work has been coming back soo good after the first day of chemo. My LDH levels have dropped from 2,111 (that was right before chemo they were that high) down to 608 after the first go at chemo. Then, just before I started the second round of chemo, they were down to 240. 200 being normal. WOW. To me, that is pretty amazing.

(LDH- lactate dehydrogenase- can indicate damaged cells and tissue like in cancer)

Some of my liver function tests are now normal too. Those tumours are going down, one by one.

Another thing that was happening to me for quite some time which was a symptom of bone cancer that I had no clue, were night sweats. I would wake up soaked.
I honestly though it was because we had a new pillow top mattress, I always sleep in warm clothes and we had a heavy duvet. Apparently that was not the case.

Lately though, I have only woken up soaking wet one night out of about 15. That is a good sign too as far as I know. It was getting pretty frequent and grose.

Lately I have been moving around a lot better. I walk a little faster and can just move better.

The tumours in my back must be shrinking, however, my bone is getting pretty weak since the tumours were filling up space and I guess eating away at my bone. I need to go for bone strengtening meds soon. That and I am going to take a short break from chemo to do radiation on my spine.

I am not sure what else to say for right now. I just now have gotten it out and will probably update much more often, if I am up for it, once a week or as I find things out.

I have such an AMAZING oncologist in Vancouver, Dr. Gelmon. I honestly don't know what I would do with out her. She is kind, caring and compassionate. Even before my latest diagnosis, I really felt that she was golden. She goes the extra mile.
Here I thought that I am considered terminal so no one is going to give too hoots about me.

Nope, far from it.

I want to fight this. I am fighting this. I have heard of many young women who had their cancer spread much more than mine and this is up to 15 yrs later for some of them. Well, thats amazing and with all the new drugs out there, why can't I have a running shot of beating this or kicking it back?

I have seriously been on the short end of the stick for stats. First off with the retinoblastoma. Then this cancer. 1 in 3000 women find the breast cancer while pregnant. Well, that was me.

Then, I was told that I am at a greater than 70% chance that my breast cancer did not spread and well, it did. So, now its time for me to be the small percent that get through this.

I pray every day and night for God's blessing on the treatments and so far I have been blessed.

I was told by another oncologist one month ago to go home and get my affairs in order. HA.

Havent done it yet and don't intend to for a long time.

Bone and CT scan

2010-09-28T21:59:00.001-07:00

I had seen the oncologist regarding the back pain.
This pain is on and off. It feels like a pinched nerve or a slipped disc.

So, I went in to the Oncologist a week ago from this past Friday.
She scheduled me for a bone scan and sent me for blood work.

The blood work came back a bit sketchy. My LDH level was at 1300 and normal is I think under 200. Not good.

This could mean any number of things. Cancer being one of them.
My liver function tests were off by a little.

I have been dumping down the codeine and tylenol with muscle relaxants. Well, not that extreme but I had been taking them a fair bit because of the back pain.

The Monday that the oncologist phoned me regarding the results of the test I had been feeling so good that I decided it was going to be a medication free day.

Then the call came and sent me through a stress loop and this is where it started.

She wanted a re test of the LDH levels and LFT's the following day.

The liver function test I believe was the same and the LDH level went from 1300 to 1600.
Wow, what a jump.

So, I stayed off of all medication from then on.

Wednesday I was so unbelievably stressed, all I had been doing is spending time in bed doing nothing and crawling around the house in pain. I can't even pick up my son, I can hardly get down to his level.

I had a bit of a panic and felt that I had to do something a little more quickly.

I went to the walk in clinic and pretty much gave my situation to the Dr. there.
He sent me for a chest and lumbar x ray.

Chest x ray came back clear. I was a little worried about my lungs.
Both results came back clear so that gave me a little peace of mind for the weekend.

Friday I went for a re test again of the blood work. The liver test went up a little again but the LDH went down 100 to the mid 1500's. Still too high and maybe it really did not go down, there could have been an error in the test. However, the test sure did not skyrocket up as it seemed to between the tests on Friday and Tuesday.

I have been on a total liver detox. I am taking milk thistle and drinking a lot of fluids and fruit juices.

I went for my bone scan yesterday. I was stressed out the whole time. Last night I was crying about dying (I guess its more the same tonight)

I don't want to leave my husband and son. I was sure it was in my bones. I have never had pain like this before in my back and its lasting.

I can hardly get out of bed. It kills.

I went to see Dr. Gelmon in Vancouver today. What an amazing oncologist. She came in the room with the results of yesterdays scan. I started crying as I was totally prepared for the worst. She then gave me the results which were that the scan was CLEAR!!!

I think I sat there like a deer in headlights, I was sure it was going to be bad.

Wow, God answers my prayers. He sure hears me for sure. I have been praying fervently.

I am pretty paranoid about tomorrows CT scan. I have an appointment after the scan with the Oncologist. I have a feeling she believes she is going to find something.

Particularly, my liver.

I am just sitting here unsettled tonight scared to death.
I love my husband reading the bible to me and praying with me.

I am so scared but I will do what I can to get through this.
I have to be here for my family. My son needs his mommy.

I will fight this with all I have got.

Back Pain and a bone scan scheduled

2010-09-17T20:29:00.000-07:00

The last month has been pretty hard.

I have had a lot of back pain, pain to the point I can hardly function.

I first chalked it up to muscle strain due to the fact that is around the time my son first started walking. I probably threw my back out bending over trying to grab his hands as I would see him about to tumble onto something that would end up being less than pleasant.

That and he weighs 24 lbs now, he is heavy to pick up, put in his car seat when he struggles etc.

So, I continued to live with it thinking thats all thats going on.

Time went on, this is the one month plus mark since Ethan has been running around and things are getting far worse.
The pain is so bad on the left side in my back where my ribs are. I hardly can sit here at the computer.

Its now at the point where its not just hard to do things, I can't do things.

I went to the Oncologist today.

First of all I have lost weight since my last visit which is not the best of signs, however, could be because I am more active and with the pain (whatever its pathology) makes me not feel like eating much.

I was examined. Good thing is, upon examination of my bones where the pain is located, the exam itself was not overwhelming with pain or discomfort. Getting up onto the table was the worst of it all.

Having said that, that is a good sign that it is not metastatic breast cancer in the bone.

I have one plus for me.

I was sent for blood work to check calcium levels for one thing.

I try not to read too much lately about symptoms and such for metastatic bc.

I do however remember that calcium levels are elevated when the cancer metastasizes to the bones. The bones produce an excess amount.

I am not sure what else was checked off on the requisition as I did not have a chance to look at it any further.

A bone scan is set up for the 27th of this month where that will give a much clearer idea of what is going on.

I pray that it is clear. I am always scared, especially this being within the two years since diagnosis.

My logic tells me I have nothing to worry about. Starting at the beginning, no lymph nodes out of 21, no spreading of any description and my breast was removed immediately so if there were any teeny tiny buggers lingering, they would not have the chance to spread.

All clear margins.
I had the chemo. I am on tamoxifen. Mind you, I am still battling the full dose and am not on it yet. Thats another post for another time.

However, that little bit of doubt lingers and I think it always will.

So, blood work should be back by Monday. If I get any calls, I will know its not good news.

Bone scan set for the 27th. Wish me luck.

For now, I am literally crawling around my stye of a house. I am surprised I can see the floor.
I think its because someone tripped on something and that cleared a bit of space.

All I want to do is sleep. I have had so much sleep over the past few days.

My family are amazing. They really come through for me despite their own health issues and situations.

I have more help tomorrow. My mom is coming to help me with Ethan.

More family are coming to stay a few days with me this week too. Every little bit helps.

I can not believe I am saying that I can't wait for the day I can do the diaper changes again!!

I just want to be better and be able to pick my son up, take him out and do things.

My husband has been the Mr. Mom around here. He is amazing too.

I will update again as soon as I know what is happening.

Now, to go and somehow get myself into a nice hot bath and try to forget all the bad and focus on all the good.

Oh, I am too lazy to proof read this tonight so if it does not make sense, although I am sure nothing new (lol) that is my excuse for this one!!

Oh Tamoxifen, how I just can't say good bye to thee

2010-08-02T11:36:00.000-07:00

I had been experiencing pain while on the Tamoxifen like I had mentioned in previous posts.

I had gone for ultrasounds and such to determine if the drug had been causing uterine fibroids or if there has been any other nasty things starting up.

Nothing. All clear!!

My OBGYN figures that the pain I am getting is part and parcel to my ovulating.

He feels that the only explanation is, that the Tamoxifen is for me, just like the fertility drug Clomid.

Tamoxifen started off as a fertility drug so it makes sense.

On the dose I am on now, I only seem to get the pains a few days before ovulation.

Yes, I keep track of everything.
I think I am the queen of peeing on sticks or something.

Anyways, I guess we can say overactive ovaries.

So, having had those tests and such, I have decided that I am going to stay on the Tamoxifen.

I am surprised with myself, but I know that its for the better in the long run. Or, at least thats what I think.

I have been back on the Tamoxifen since at least March or April. I usually am better at keeping track of everything with my Ical but for some reason I have been slacking.

I was told to try half a dose. 10mg. That has actually been going very well.

My cycles are all regular. Almost to the day every month.

My period is at the exact same time, days etc. I ovulate on the same day every month (sometimes only one day different)

So, so far the 10 mg dose is going very well.

However, as I was told, all studies are done with BC patients on the 2o mg dose.

Since my cancer was only mildly hormonally dependant, not sure if the 10 would be sufficient or if I should really make sure I KO anything left and go all out with the 20.

After my next cycle this month, I am going to gradually get back into 20 mg per day. See how that works out for me.

I want to wait for my cycle to see what the 20 does (if anything) to disrupt my cycle.

I am going to start with half a pill one day (which is the 10 mg) and then the second day take one half in the morning and one sometime near bed. I guess I will try that for a month or two and see how that goes and then try after that for a full dose weather its all at once or half a pill in the morning and evening.

We shall see.

I did find out that Tamoxifen does actually come in a 10 mg pill. So, if it appears that the full dose will just not do, then I guess I will go on the 10. As my oncologist said, its better than nothing and I know I can tolerate the 10 mg.

My mood has been far better on the half. I am not ready to kill my husband for the stupidest of reasons as I was before.

Things are just a lot better. Thats why I am a little nervous to get back to the full dose but at the same time, maybe my body just needs to gradually work its way up to it rather than be thrown right into a full dose.

Stay tuned.

Update...I know its been a while

2010-08-02T11:21:00.000-07:00

I have not posted in a while.

I think I have taken a mini vacation from myself in a sense.

Its summer, my favourite time of year. The weather is nice and warm, so many things I want to do with my son outdoors.
I have more or less taken a vacation from Dr.'s, blood work and all of that fun stuff.

I figured that if there was anything important, then I would go but until then, I need a break and my veins need a break.

My hair has grown back quite thick and curly. It is getting quite long.
I am still not too comfy with the style and length so I most often wear my wig when going out.

I think that by the fall I will retire it once and for all.

I have become complacent, lost in my world.

This whole cancer issue still lurks at the back of my head no matter what is happening in life.

I am always worried when I feel some type of (what I think at the time is) a lump or odd aches and pains.

I seem to get over it quite quick since what I think is a lingering ache or pain seems to go away before I think its time to call the Dr.

Today, I am a little sore in the sternum so I am getting worried.

Hopefully by tomorrow or the next day that will have resolved itself.
I have been so busy with my son, lifting him up, carrying him around at times. He is not getting any lighter so that could be part of the explanation.

I have been keeping busy with other things as well. Home and garden renos. Socializing, shopping (ooh my favourite, shopping for baby clothes) and just living.

Yes, I can finally say for the first time in over a year, I am back in the land of the living.

I have so much to be thankful for. I have a wonderful husband, a son that is so healthy and such a happy baby, lots of fun and joy.

The rest of my family are wonderful as well. Such huge helps.
It seems that every family member between my side and my husbands side are helping us out and each to his own talent so to speak.

No matter how much time I have left in this life, it wont be enough.

All I know is that for now, I feel good. Never felt better. I have to use my time wisely and effectively and enjoy what I have. I have no idea what waits for me in the future.
I pray that this is the end of the cancer. I sure hope so. I still have that lingering fear of death that I just can't stand to think of.

Anyways, so much living to do for now. :)

2010-05-09T00:32:00.000-07:00

1 year!!

2010-05-09T00:08:00.000-07:00

I was told by my Oncologist that the years of survival are based on the date of the core biopsy.

I knew it was around a year ago that I had the biopsy. I looked on my ical and found it was the 8th of last year.
Happy 1 year to me!!! Providing there is nothing lurking deep within my tissue and bones.

Yes, I can find a pessimistic slant on what should be a very happy occasion.

I am paranoid. I keep feeling every little lump, ache and pain in my body and deciding this is it.
This has got to be the metastasis.

Right now my left arm hurts. The irritation is in my ulna which can't be where the cancer would start.

Anyways, logically, I know this. I had to be set straight once again with facts that if it were bone cancer, I would be feeling like crap all the time and have no immune system.
All logic that I don't stop to think about when I decide that my pain is more than just a little inflammation from smacking it into something or hauling my son around.

I am just scared. I want to live. This cancer should be gone.

I have had chemo.

Tamoxifen is not going so well. My body is not compatible at all with it it seems.

I get the uterine pain so bad after a while that I get scared. I stop the Tamoxifen and within 24 hours, the pain is gone completely.

I tried again after a break and went to half a dose. I was actually good on that for quite a while, a month or so even. Even had my period (the full dose stopped that)

Then, after a while, the pain started again. Off the tamoxifen once again for now.

I saw the Oncologist. There is a chance of fibroids that would be caused by the Tamoxifen.

I have an ultrasound on Tuesday to check it all out.
After that, depending on what is found, I may just try the tamoxifen again.

We are planning another baby so I want to find out what is going on.
Even if I do have a few starting, shouldn't be an issue and if it is, it can be sorted out.

So, I have gone from being anti Tamoxifen to really wondering when I can get back on it.
I still hate it. I still think that its a horrible drug in a lot of ways.
A carcinogen to fight a carcinoma.

I just want to be here for my son and my husband.

Another baby is in the planning yes, but at the same time, Ethan is what I do have and he is a for sure thing and I want to be here for him for a long time.

We could always adopt. I have nothing against it and would love the baby dearly.
I just want to go through being pregnant again, ultrasounds and the whole experience.

Nothing comes even close to it in life. I found being pregnant and then of course the outcome: my son, the best experience ever.

I loved every second of being pregnant. Yes, the emesis too. It reasurred me that all was good.

Kidney stones and a night in the maternity ward checking to make sure it was not baby, not such a happy experience. However, the outcome was all good and Ethan was just fine.

I don't care about pain. I can tolerate it as long as I know that everything is ok or is going to be ok.

Tamoxifen for example, I will take it even if it causes pain as long as I know its not doing anything nasty to me in the long run.

Dark Side of Tamoxifen

2010-01-28T13:35:00.001-08:00

http://www.encognitive.com/node/2772

Chemo Finished!

2009-11-29T00:35:00.000-08:00

Three weeks ago was my last chemo.

I am in mixed feelings about that. I am so happy that its over with. But did it work?

Was there any lingering cancer cells to begin with? Did the chemo get them?

I like to know what is going on. I wish I knew.

Its time to start the Tomoxofin now. Not really looking forward to that but its a back up for the back up.

I will be on that for at least a year, depending on if I get blood clots or when I start the reconstructive surgery.

I am starting to really feel better now. I am getting back into my old routines witch I think helps a LOT. Not just that I feel good enough to do more,but it makes me feel like I am back to life as I knew it before all of this cancer came about. Its a good feeling.

Link to a Really good ballet Dance for breast cancer

2009-10-28T19:57:00.001-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ejjzqFHYRaI

My new hair

2009-10-28T11:34:00.001-07:00

We went out for a walk in the park yesterday with my friend Sheryl and her daughter to take some pictures of the kids. I don't do Halloween but I found a ladybug costume to dress Ethan up in for some 'Anne Geddes' type of pictures.

First time out wearing my new hair!! I still have hair on my head but not much. It's very thin.

One more round left!

2009-10-21T13:28:00.000-07:00

My last round of chemo was a week ago today. Two weeks until the FINAL round.

Thats the only thing keeping me going and making me feel like I can take more of this. The fact that after the next its OVER! I don't care if I made a mistake and there are actually 5 rounds or .... something like that. Its over. One way or another.

The side effects the last couple of rounds have been worse. I don't wan to list everything. One of the worst is the acid reflux. I ended up the other night, drinking most of a bottle of malox, eating a tub of yogurt, drinking so much milk and probably OD'ing on the nexium. Still in so much pain.

Never had that so bad and I have actually had issues with the reflux for years.

I am exhausted and cranky. I have never been so angry kicking walls etc. I get mad at everything some days. "its all a part of the drugs". Thats wonderful. I am turning into a psycho.

What is scaring me is the waiting and wondering about the chemo induced cancers that could arise from the treatments. Have I gone and traded one not even confirmed cancer for another?

I don't know how to get past that. I don't know how to get past the constant worry. I want to get back to living but how? I feel that this cancer and chemo has totally invaded my life and has taken over. I don't know when I can just live in peace. I know that there is going to be a point where I have to let it all go for the most part and if anything happens in the future it happens.

Like the breast cancer. I was always aware that there was a possibility that I would get cancer again as I had it once before. I was on the look out with everything with out being too rediculus when I would find some lump or abnormality. I was cautious thats why I found the lump and knew it was not a regular one.

I lived in peace though at the same time as being cautious. Can I get that back? How? When?

And when the heck am I a "survivor" from all of this? When I die of another cause? This could come back anytime, next week, next month, in ten years, in 15-20. So, when am I a survivor?

Maybe now just the fact that I am surviving every day.

Maybe its just my mood today. Maybe it is the drugs. Maybe I have changed into a bitter hag.

I have changed lately and I don't like it.

I am scared and its taking over. I just want to be here to see my son grow up. I don't want him to be without a mother.

Maybe I will feel better once all of this is all over with once and for all. I just keep thinking one more round and I never have to go back to the chemo ward again. Hopefully.

Helping Young Couples Cope with Breast Cancer « Finding Hope Blog – The Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation

2009-10-21T13:27:00.000-07:00

I have not had a chance to really read the whole thing yet.

I skimmed a little. Even if I don't think its that helpful for myself, maybe others will? Hopefully.

Anyways, here is a link for younger couples dealing with breast cancer. Hope someone can get something out of it!!

Helping Young Couples Cope with Breast Cancer « Finding Hope Blog – The Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation

2009-10-01T16:49:00.001-07:00

Chemo Pictures

2009-10-01T16:43:00.000-07:00

Round Two Done

2009-09-27T09:26:00.000-07:00

Last Wednesday was my second round.

That started out a little the same as the first. I was given the bennadrel and the steroids at first before the Dositaxil. That was supposed to stop the reactions that I had last time.

Not so much. I was started on a lower dose of both than the last time.

I ended up having the chest tightness along with chest pain this time, sharp pains in my back and stomach and I went flush. More or less the same as last time but not as bad. That and this time everyone was ready for a reaction so help was there fast and then things worked out pretty good.

I brought my sister in law and my son with me. That really helped and made the day go by a lot faster and easier.

My hair is really falling out. I am so shocked that I have any left as of right now. I don't have any specific bald spots, just very, very thin.

I went wig shopping last Friday. I found that anything that was similar to my own hair just did not look good. Maybe thats a sign I have not had the best hair style in years.

I ended up getting one that has a lot of volume, is fairly blond and around the length my hair was before it started falling out.

I get the wig back on Tuesday as its being fitted for my head etc. This should be interesting.

I am actually looking forward to it as it is something different.

I will for sure post up pictures.

Loosing my hair

2009-09-18T19:03:00.000-07:00

I was really hoping that it could be mind over matter, I kept thinking positive that "I am NOT going to loose my hair" Well, I am losing my hair.

It started falling out in huge handfuls a few days ago. Its amazing how much hair I have. I never thought my hair was very thick but it must be. The amount that has fallen out and the amount that is still on my head makes for a lot of hair.

There are no bald patches or anything. The only thing that is visably noticeable about my hair loss is the fact I am covered in it. Its all over my clothes, I am finding it all over my son. Everywhere. That drives me crazy. One thing I have always hated is finding strands of hair in and on things.

I am debating shaving my head in the next few days. I am not sure if I would go completely bald if I wait and see what these drugs do. I really don't want to wait and see. I would rather keep my sanity and get rid of anything that has the potential of falling in my food or anything else and annoying me.

The cancer agency has wigs. I am going to book an appointment for next week to go and try some on. It could be fun. Now is a good time to change my hair style as I seem to have had the same one for about 15 years. Time for a change and I probably would not have ventured off into different hair styles if it were not for these drugs.

I went for my Oncologist appointment today. It was routine, I guess I will have to meet with her a few days before each round to chemo to check in and discuss any side effects or issues that have come up due to the chemo.

She seemed quite surprised that I am just fine. I was told that I am looking really good.

I have gained weight since I have started the treatments. That is actually opposite to pretty much everyone else out there on these drugs.

I go for blood work on Monday. Hopefully all will be good and there will be no delays for the next round.

The next round puts me at half done already!! yay, something to look forward to, the half way mark already.

We also discussed hormone treatment for the next year.

My priorities were to have another baby as soon as the chemo was out of my system which would be six months after the last round.

I am actually sold on the idea of waiting a year and taking tomoxofen in the mean time.

I was not thrilled at this idea at first as all I can think of are babies. On the way home, I thought a lot about it. I do actually think that regardless of what the reason(s) are, I should wait a year before thinking of having another baby. This way I can be there more for Ethan and give him my full attention which is what I now believe a first child needs. I have never done this before and Ethan has everything to learn and experience. This way I can give him 100% of my time and energy. We both have so much to learn. In another year I know I will be more ready for another challenge. another wonderful baby.

Still Feeling OK

2009-09-08T16:14:00.003-07:00

It has been 11 days since my first round of chemo and I am still feeling good for the most part.

My only symptoms as of now are:

A different form of tired. Hard to explain. It is harder for me to get things done.

A bit of back pain

A teeny bit nauseated

A little bit of joint pain

acid reflux

I have a bitter taste in my mouth that wont go away

More hair is falling out

I am not totally sure if I will loose all of my hair. It is getting to be more of a pain since i touch my hair or brush it and clumps fall out. Still nothing too noticeable as of yet.

I have another round of chemo on the 23 and that will be my "half way there" mark all ready.

I think that by the time my hair does start to fall out, I will be so far through my chemo treatment and not all of it will go, if it does, it will be in time for the chemo to be over and within a few months, it will start growing back.

Hopefully it wont be for long that I am totally with out any hair growth. We shall see

First Round of Chemo Done

2009-09-08T15:39:00.000-07:00

I went for the first round last week (September 2)

It was not so bad at first. Its a large bright room with a lot of reclining chairs and some beds most of which were not occupied when I got there at 9am. There were a few other people but for the most part it was rather quite.

I had a really great nurse. She was able to be upfront with me about the drugs I am on. For one thing, she mentioned that a different type of line into my IV had to be used. I asked if that was due to the fact that the Docitaxil would corrode the lines. She said yes and "Wait till you see what it does to your veins" So, no surprise to me. I don't mind knowing all of that, in fact, I like to be in the know no matter what, especially what is going into my body.

For the first while, saline and steroids went through the lines.

I also took anti nauseant pills before hand as well.

The first chemo drug that I was given was the Docitaxil. As the nurse started the line, my teeth felt funny. I figured it was all in my imagination since there had been a total of two drips in the IV and I know things are instant but I didn't think it would be THAT instant.

The nurse went over to the person next to me. After half a minute I felt my chest tighten and it continued to do that, my face went flush, it felt like it was on fire and my lower back was paining like never before. I could hardly say to Dave to get the nurse. When he did, she stopped the line, I was given some other type of steroid and antihistamine. There were about 4 nurses with me at that point. My oncologist was there with in half a minute or so as well.

My heart went into Atrial Fibrillation. My kidneys felt like they were going to explode.

After a minute or so, all was good again, I was high as a kite and wanted to pass out.

That drug was too much too fast.

After 40 minutes of another steroid and saline, we tried again. This time it was a lot slower and it gradually got up to what it was started at in the first place.

I was so glad that I could take that in the end. For one thing, it is a very mild chemo drug compared to a lot of the others, less chance of a chemo induced cancer and less likely to mess with fertility.

The second was the cyclophosphomide. I had no reaction to that whatsoever. I was told the most I would feel from that is a stuffy nose but I did not even get that.

All and all it was not a bad experience. (except for the beginning) I just kept my mind busy thinking of other things and did not focus on what was going into my body.

I have since had hardly any side effects from the chemo. The most I have had is joint pain that is uncomfortable but not even worth going for the tylenol. Oh, gastroesophageal reflux also but I am finding a smoothie and milk help with.

I am also tired but thats no problem. My mother in law has been looking after Ethan a lot this past week so I can recharge. That has helped soo much.

I was told that my white blood cell count will drop 8 - 15 days after the first treatment. I will have to be careful going out and about since my immune system will not be so great.

I was also told that one side effect from this whole thing that was very common is food aversion. I figured I would get that one since I am a very picky eater as it is and never really get hungry. It has actually been the opposite for me. I can't stop eating and I crave everything.

My next round is the twenty something of this month.

I go for blood work before to check my rbc and wbc etc again. If it is too low, I may have to have a transfusion before I go for the next round. Hopefully it will be just fine.

I was actually quite surprised that all levels were good this past time. I had been told that everything had been low pretty much since my first surgery (the mastectomy) and figured that it for sure would not have gone up much after the c section.

So far this experience is not too bad. One that I obviously would prefer NOT to experience but whatever. Its something different

Breast Feeding

2009-09-01T13:17:00.000-07:00

Okay, for the past three weeks people have been curious. Most people don't come right out and ask me if I am breast feeding, they ask other questions that are obvious that they want to know but don't want to ask me directly. That's fine. I have totally given up the privacy thing. Breast feeding is natural anyways (just don't do it in front of me or in public, I find it very distasteful)

I am breast feeding. After all, I do have one perfectly functioning breast (for now)

I am producing a fair amount of breast milk. It comes in just as fast as it goes out. The same as anyone else.

No, my nipple is not sore, infected, cracked or anything like that. It does not hurt.

Sure it would be nice to have a second breast, I never imagined that I would loose one. However, things are going just fine with the one I have. Ethan feeds anywhere between 15 min and 50 min. and that does not make me sore.

People have twins and do just fine. I guess that my breast is working the same as it would in the situation of twins. Full time.

I actually as of now have officially stopped breast feeding. (literally as of the last 30 min) since I have taken the first of my drugs to get ready for tomorrows chemo. I have a lot of stored up milk in my freezer. He has had 3 weeks worth of breast milk which is the most important. The formula is really good for babies as well. I was a little worried about not breast feeding for 6 months but now I am pretty confident that the formula is going to work just fine. I had been feeding him some off and on in the past week.

To be honest, I will find bottle feeding a little more convenient than breast feeding. I do not feel that it is appropriate to breast feed right in front of other people so I would have to excuse myself to go into a private room until Ethan was finished. It was a little frustrating since I did not always want to get up and leave. Now I can just whip out the bottle and it will be perfectly acceptable to do so.

Ethan has had no problems with nipple confusion. He has alternated between the two just fine.

Cheno Tomorrow - Not delayed :)

2009-09-01T12:52:00.000-07:00

I saw the Dr. a week ago and expressed my fears about starting chemo late.

I was told by the surgeon that it was so important that I start chemo within three months after the surgery. If I were to start in the middle of September, that would be nearing the four month mark which to me did not sit well. I have this feeling that it would be too late.

My Dr. was quite impressed with how I am healing. He was actually quite surprised. (From the c section). His opinion was to go ahead and start asap.

I called the oncologist, filled her in. She did her research and agreed with my family Dr. and well, I get to start tomorrow.

I had my blood work done yesterday. I am a little nervous about the results as I know I had a low Rb count. It has been low since my mastectomy and I can imagine the c section did not help matters either. I should have been doing my part to make sure I could boost it up but my diet is really bad. I can go a long time with out eating or feeling hungry. I can actually forget to eat for a day. Sounds odd but that's the way I am. (Someone called me fat when I was younger, so I became a little anorexic and since then I had trained my body to go with out food for long periods of time)

I feel that I am well on the way to chemo. I took my first dose of dexamethasone a few hours ago.

I have no idea what to expect out of the whole event even though I had been to chemo counseling and looked up the drugs that I will be given (cyclophosphomide and dosetaxel)

The cyclophosphomide is a carcinogen. That scares me. Then again, so is radiation and I have had that in the past for my first cancer and with tonz of x rays etc. and nothing has come of it from all of that. (The breast cancer may have but it does not seem that it is that likely)

I just have to pray that the cancer fighting drug does not cause another form.

Unfortunately it looks like one alkylating drug has to be thrown into the chemo slurry and the cyclophosphomide is the lesser of the evils. It also has less chance of causing infertility which is great since I can't wait to have another baby.

The dosetaxel seems pretty harmless. It has been around for 15 years and there are no known reports of any dosetaxel induced cancers which is good.

So, I may loose my hair. I may not. I am totally prepared for that. It will be sad and I mourn its loss already. However, my hair grows fast so, I can see that I will be sprouting new little hair buds within 3 to 4 months after the last round of chemo.

Hopefully my fingernails wont curl up.

I could have the advantage of having the hcg and higher hormonal levels still in my body from the pregnancy. I was told that could help with things including me being less nauseated. Hopefully.

I am a little worried since I am not 100% heeled from the c section. It will take me longer to heel than other people from the first dose of the chemo. I just have to make sure I don't over do it which apparently I have been doing.

I will post again tomorrow after my first experience with the chemo.

Chemo Delayed

2009-08-15T11:33:00.001-07:00

The whole idea of being induced so I could have my baby early was to get started a few weeks early on the chemo. Everyone feels that too much time has gone by now as it is between the surgery and getting started.

I ended up with a c - section (another story that I will post in my baby blog that is linked to this one for anyone that may be interested) so as a result, I will have to delay the start of my chemo treatments another 3 or 4 weeks.

I need time to heel and chemo would interfere with that and then that would be adding fuel to the fire.

I am not really ok with that but I have no choice and totally understand the risks of starting next week opposed to another few weeks. I was told that it should be ok to start a little later. SHOULD be. Kinda scary. Like the oncologist said however, they are not treating any known cancer, its just my insurance policy to increase my odds of being here in 10 years.

So, a little scary, a little reassuring, a little annoying and a little relieving all at the same time.

Its kind of nice that I have that extra couple of weeks with my son before I start to feel crappy.

We went to the chemo orientation a few days ago. I was listening to some people and realized that I have it pretty good. A lot of those people who are going for chemo are probably scared out of their tree and this chemo is their last hope. So, I have it really good if that's all I am there for is to increase my odds of living in the near/distant future. Okay, that sounded a little odd but yea, as far as everyone is concerned, my cancer is 100% gone. If it is not, hopefully those cells can hold off another few weeks before going to total battle with my other organs. :)

Chemo is set

2009-08-06T19:34:00.000-07:00

I met with my oncologist today to discuss the chemo regimen and when all of this is going to start.

I am going to be given 4 cycles, each three weeks apart of dostaxal and cyclophosphomide.

These seem to be the lesser of the evils for treating the stage of this particular breast cancer.

Dosataxal seems to be very mild in terms of symptoms. In fact, the oncologist started today by going over all the side effects etc of this drug and I figured she was meaning the two drugs together and I was so happy I figured I was going to slip by with no issues.

Then she started reading off the cyclophosphomide's potential issues. Kind of scary but nothing that really surprised me.

I may loose my hair. It may just thin out for a while. Not sure. My fingernails may start separating from the nail beds (grose) There is a small risk of bladder cancer and or leukemia.

That I find the scariest. Most cancers such as the leukemia that is treatment induced are non curable. They are treatable, but not curable.

This is part of what the problem with me and this chemo has been. Trying to find the right drugs that would have the lowest risk of causing cancer. The risk for the normal person is very, very low, however, I am not normal. Because of my previous cancer, they have been stuck on what to give me not knowing if my odds are the same as everyone else's or a bit higher or a lot higher. There have been no other cases to compare mine to so that kinda sucks.

The oncologist did take her time and really did her research with these drugs. She has spoken to many other oncologists and other professionals who all seem to agree on these two drugs.

I just have to trust them and try not to be so paranoid.

This is kind of hard as some days I write myself off thinking that the tumor was just the beginning of the end. Other days I feel so optamistic and think of myself as being alive years to come.

There is no set time for either the treatment induced cancer to start or my breast cancer to reacure in another organ. One of those things I just have to keep getting checked for and praying that its all gone and nothing will come back.

I would just like to know what's going to happen. Good or bad. I am a need to know person.

So, I start with a chemo orientation which is next week Thursday. The actual chemo then follows the following Thursday. I figured that since its one session every three weeks, I should be finished at the end of October.

I have my school work to take with me while I sit there and have the slurrey pour through my veins. It takes approx. 3 hours.

I am in a way looking forward to this. I am looking forward to getting it over with and then trying to move on. I guess because of the fact this whole ordeal is still being treated, I feel like I am still in the "has cancer" stages of things.

I am scared of this but at the same time happy about it.

I also had another lump that I found in the other breast looked at today. Its hard to say at this point being as pregnant as I am if it is normal or if it is an evil plot put in action from my other breast starting. I am going to have it looked at further even though I was told that the chances of it happening are soo slim (yea where have I heard that one before lol)

Anyways, things are moving along. I am happy for that. I can't wait for the first round to be over so I know what to expect for the rest.

Privacy ....... what is that? I can't remember

2009-08-04T09:07:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I do share a lot about what is going on with me in this situation. For the most part, I really don't mind. My chest is a hot topic because of what is going on, otherwise before it just consisted of two average sized, non exciting boobs. (well, I liked them)

Anyways, so I have only one left. (even that ones days are numbered)

I need balance, I need something fake until I get my new set of boobies. So, I need to go to a specialty shop to get fitted by people who are trained and supposedly have a bit of ........ compassion? I guess that is the word I am looking for.

Where better to go than to a shop that is a branch of the BC Cancer Agency/Foundation.

I found one not too far away, Think In Pink. It is located in Mission.

So anyways, I did this about a week or so ago and got fitted for the HUGE granny bra and form.

Like I mentioned, I do share a lot with friends, some family and on here. However, I find out from my grandfather (who I really don't discuss all of this with in detail and he is not as computer savvy to find my blogs) that I had gotten fitted at a particular store for a prosthetic a week ago. ?????

The woman running the store discussed ME personally ( using my name ) with another volunteer from the cancer agency who just happened to be my grandfathers sister in law. Very small world. I had for one thing, no idea my grandfathers sister in law (whom I refer to as my aunt) had anything to do with volunteering or whatever with the cancer agency and for sure not that location.

The two of them had both been discussing my personal business with others.

So now, any family or friend of the family that I did not go into any detail with, has all the details. My grandfather does not seem to get it that it was wrong for both the store owner and y aunt as a volunteer to be discussing me with everyone.

I do know that even volunteers that work with patients, or patient information etc. do have the same restrictions as Dr.'s, MOA's etc to not discuss patients or their files with anyone. She does have some privacy policy since I have to actually bring her in a prescription from my oncologist.

My aunt makes me angry that she would relay the information that she in the first place should not have to other family.

My grandfather does not see the problem with his sister in law flapping her gums discussing my personal business. If I complain and I get somewhere and she gets in trouble, it will be me it all falls on and I will be the "bad guy" So, to avoid stirring up crap in my family, I have to just smile and pretend that its all good while I know that my aunt is just full of gossip and I unwillingly gave her even more new material to phone everyone up in her address book to go on about.

So, my point is, anyone who needs any type of service from that store, don't bother going there unless you like your private information strewn about town. If you want to stay private, that is not the place for you.

Mastectomy Bras and fake forms

2009-08-01T18:57:00.000-07:00

I hate them.

The mastectomy bra is huge and hulking. I can't wear anything with a low neckline with out showing off this huge ass bra. Then, when the bra is visible, so is the fact that this ugly form is sitting in it.

The actual breast forms themselves are pretty interesting I do have to say.

I am happy that they exist so that I can go out in public and not be lopsided. Of course, wearing prudish clothes.

All I can say is, I can't wait for the next couple of surgeries to get rid of the left one and get implants so that I can get back to living.

Oh, not to mention that the thang digs into me and really sucks on hot days.

I am going to get a larger than what I had set of fake boobies and be able to once again, wear nice tops. It will be nice to wear clothes again that while showing cleavage, you DON'T see a nice scar, granny bra and some fake thang that can spring a leak at any time.

One Month

2009-06-25T21:18:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is officially one month since the surgery.

So far I am doing alright. I have had minimal pain where the incision is. (and it is healing really well, I have had hardly any bruising,swelling and no infections)

My biggest complaint is still my right arm. It is still very hard to lift it very high and move it around somewhat. The last day or so it has felt like someone is grabbing my upper arm really tight and not letting go. It feels inflamed but when I actually touch it and look at it, its hardly swollen at all, it looks about the same as my left arm.

I am not sure if this is lymphedema that is starting or if this is normal.

I still have my physio exercises to do. I work at those every day.

None the less, this is all due to the removal of the lymph nodes. Otherwise this whole mastectomy has been more or less pain free.

I have not cried once over this whole thing since before the surgery. I cried a lot before because I was terrified that the cancer had spread and I did not want this cancer invading my body.

Once I had the surgery, I was finished with the crying. I do get upset from time to time that I had to loose my breast over this whole ordeal, but then I really stop to think about things and realize that its a small price to pay to get rid of the cancer.

I am going to have the other breast removed. I am not sure when that will happen but after a lot of thinking, I have decided that is the smartest thing to do.

If the cancer were to come back in the left breast, it would be the same thing all over again. The stress of wondering if I found it in time and if its spread, the fact that I will have to have that breast removed along with the lymph nodes once again. The waiting for the operative and pathology report was just too much to take in. Too stressful.

At least if I go in on my own for this surgery, its under my terms and I know that there is nothing to have to sit and worry about after. That and it will be a lot easier for the reconstructive surgeon rather than having to match one implant up with my natural breast, she can pretty much design a new set!

I am getting a little drained with all the Dr.'s appointments. I have an appointment with the genetics dep. at the Cancer clinic, I want to get tested for the gene.

The next day I meet with the Oncologist finally.

My surgeon and family Dr. have both decided along with the Oncologist that I am going to be induced and have my baby at 36 weeks. This will be within the next 3 to 4 weeks.

Very soon after I start chemotherapy. I am hoping I have at least a week after the baby to adjust to things before I have to start.

For the most part, I am just happy to be alive and the situation is..... what it is. Nothing I can do to change the past, I can only do what I can to try my best to prevent the cancer from coming back.

I will post more soon

2009-06-19T22:13:00.000-07:00

Cancer Free!

2009-06-10T14:49:00.001-07:00

Today was the much anticipated/dreaded Dr. visit of all since this whole cancer thing had cropped up.

Dave had taken me this morning to get the operative and pathology reports from the surgeon. Mostly to find out if the cancer had spread.

We only sat there waiting maybe 20 minutes for the appointment. That was the longest 20 minutes of my life (or so it felt) Honestly, going into the hospital for the surgery was a lot easier than going in to the office today.

Anyways, he immediately told me that the news today was good. I felt the water works coming on I was so happy and relieved. A whole lot of stress instantly left me just hearing him say that.

The pathology report said that they had taken a total of 21 lymph nodes and every single one of them were clean, no sign of cancer. He also said that he had taken a bit more muscle underneath just as a precaution if the cancer had set into the chest wall. It had not.

This is the best news that I could have asked for.

To top it off too, he figures that my physio exercises are coming along really well and I will not have to go for actual physio appointments. The incision is healing well to his satisfaction.

I do have to say that for what it is, it looks really good and I will have minimal scaring.

I will still have to have chemo. More than likely it will be a very low dose since it is out of precaution since I had a fast growing tumor. The really good news is that it appears that I can have the baby first and then start chemo. He was mentioning delivering the baby at 36-38 weeks.

There are some chemo drugs that can be given during pregnancy. Even though they have been proven safe, I still was not sold on the idea. I think that the baby has been through enough with the anesthetic and morphine. Tylenols are ok but I do my best to minimize the use of those as well.

I will be sent to an Oncologist sometime soon who will have the final reports back and confirm what doses and when.

In the next 6-8 weeks or so I will be seeing a reconstructive surgeon.

This also gives me peace of mind too to know that the next surgery will be in the planning stages soon. It will probably be about a year before the surgery(s) are complete.

I can't even get fitted for a temporary prosthetic until I am 6-8 weeks post mastectomy.

I was also given some results today from the gestational diabetes test and my hemoglobin.

My family Dr. had me in today for a chat about my blood sugar which is starting to get a little high. I am on the way to gestational diabetes. However, if I cut out the Tim Horton's donuts and all the other sweet stuff that I have been eating, I should be just fine. That is going to be hard but after everything else that has been going on, it should be fairly simple.

That and I have been put on 2 multi vitamins per day. That is simple enough too.

Tomorrow we go in to Vancouver for an ultrasound. We are looking forward to that so, lots of happy and really good news this week!

I do also have to say that my husband Dave has been amazing through out everything. I know he has been very concerned but he has really kept it together for me. I could have easily lost my emotions on several occasions, especially if I see someone around me getting upset, that's all it would take for me to go into a total melt down.

He has stayed positive and organized. Not to mention he had taken some time off work to take me to all my appointments, keep the house clean and look after me when I had a hard time getting around. He is the best!

I will keep updating my blog as I go for more appointments and as things come up.

Drains Are Gone!!

2009-06-02T23:23:00.000-07:00

Today I had the second drain removed...... very exciting!

I feel that its finally the start of the healing process.

I can't believe that it has been a week already since the surgery. I feel I have come a long way since. Every day I am feeling less and less pain and discomfort. I am able to move my right arm a little more and a little higher every day. I am trying to keep up with the physio exercises.

I have been doing more house work and laundry since Dave has gone back to work. I even sprinted after the cat earlier as he snuck out the back door and bolted for an imaginary animal. I was even able to pick him up with little pain. (he is about 16 lbs)

Tomorrow I see our family Dr. for a follow up from the surgery. I am really hoping that he has the pathology report back from the surgery and will be able to tell us more about the cancer and most importantly, if it has spread. I am crossing my fingers that he has the report although I was told it was going to take closer to two weeks and I have a separate appointment for that on June 10th with the surgeon.

I would rather like to know, I hate waiting.

Recovery

2009-05-31T14:14:00.000-07:00

Recovery is going well. This is 5 days later.

I was released from the hospital the next morning. I was kind of relieved about that and kind of nervous. I figured if anything went wrong with the incision or the baby at least I was in the right place. (My baby was monitored every hour after surgery)

Being back at home is nice. My husband Dave is taking super good care of me. The house looks good.

We have been getting a lot of cards, some flowers, dinners made for us from friends and visitors in and out. We are really being fussed over!

I have been feeling great. A little sore and nervous about moving certain ways but other than that, things are really good.

Today we may go out for a drive for the first time. I am looking forward to that.

I have physio exercises that I do every day to make sure I get full use of my right arm again. That is improving daily.

Surgery

2009-05-31T13:45:00.000-07:00

After being able to stomach the diagnosis and do a little research etc. I was getting use to the idea about the mastectomy and actually getting a little excited as well. This lump had gotten bigger even since the biopsy a few weeks before and it was hurting. Instead of having to look for it, it was very noticeable even hardly touching where it was.

I am terrified of cancer and all I could think about is being cancer free and having the malignant lump and any of its little malignant offspring or friends that it potentially made gone and out of my life.

My moods were up and down. One second I would be very optimistic that the cancer would be completely gone with the mastectomy, the next second I would be worrying that it has spread to my lymph nodes. I still am going through that but I am feeling a bit more confident that it is gone or that if it has spread, it is still very early and I can fight this.

I was most terrified about the surgery itself. I usually have a little mental fit every time I need blood work, I just couldn't imagine going through a whole surgery removing a body part that I see every day.

That morning I went to the hospital very nervous. I had a few melt downs while checking in.

My husband had to do most of the talking.

The surgery was set for 10:55 am. My family had come to wait with me which helped more than I thought it would. We ended up waiting and waiting, we then found out that the surgery was now scheduled for 12:00 pm. That threw me off, I mentally prepared for the earlier time and did not want to wait, I just wanted it over with. The time seemed to go fast. I was tired as I did not get much sleep the night before.

I was then called and walked with my husband to the pre op room. A few minutes later I said my good byes to Dave and felt like I was doing the walk of death into the OR.

I don't know how I did it. I was so scared. I climbed up on the table, lied down, got strapped down and then the anesthetic started going through my system. Last thing I saw was the clock that said 12:07.

I woke up and the first thing I saw was the clock at 2:37. The surgery had ended at 2:30 pm.

All I could think about was the fact it was over and I was very happy.

I had little morphine right after surgery and that was all that I needed. I was told the next morning to take extra strength tylenol although I didn't feel I needed that.

Anyways, surgery went well, the surgeon said that there were no surprises which makes me believe that the cancer was still in that one area and that the tumor had not grown as much as I thought it had.

My lymph nodes were taken during surgery as well. Being pregnant, they could not inject the radioactive dye into my system to test the lymph nodes so out they came. One nerve had to be severed in my arm in order to do this. I am slowly getting use to the numbness. Its just a very different feeling.

I will find out June 10th if there is any sign of the cancer spreading to the lymph nodes.

One positive piece of information from the pathology report that I keep holding on to is that with the tiny sample they had taken, there appears to be no sign of lymphvascular space invasion was identified in the samples. This so far is a good sign and I hope once they biopsy the rest of the tissue, they find this still to be true.

Now is the waiting part. I am trying to stay positive and focus on the good points of everything.

The whole point of the surgery is to remove the cancer. If all has gone the way its supposed to have, I am cancer free.

Another thing that has helped, is the fact that breasts are a big deal. Having said that I gave one of mine up easy. I know though that breast augmentation/reconstruction is in such high demand and it is becoming like a routine surgery for a lot of plastic surgeons. They have come along way with this type of surgery and can do wonders.

I had made it clear before surgery that was my goal, to have reconstruction. It helps that I knew before the surgery that I will be meeting with a surgeon within the next few weeks or so.

Even though I know I wont be able to have surgery for at least 6 months or so, mainly due to the fact that I am pregnant and well, I will have to wait a while postpartum.

For now I can get fitted with a prosthetic and at least get on with my life and go outdoors and in public. I look forward to getting that taken care of within the next week.

Pregnant with Breast Cancer: Invasive Ductal Carcinoma Grade 3 Diagnosis

2009-05-31T13:15:00.000-07:00

In early April, I had found a lump in my right breast that I knew from the start was not good.

It was stationary and hard and therefore I was sure it was malignant.

I went to the Dr. the following week and was told that it was a fibroadenoma. Very common in woman my age who are pregnant. (I was about 5 1/2 months at the time)

To be sure of this and because of my cancer history, my Dr. sent me to a surgeon to get a second opinion. Sure enough, I heard the same thing from him as well. In fact, he gave me a 1% chance of it being anything bad. To be sure and again because of my cancer history, he wanted to do a needle core biopsy to confirm. Less than two weeks later, I had the biopsy and again was told everything should be just fine. The surgeon gave me an ultrasound requisition to have the lump followed up to be sure it was not growing too fast and getting too irritating. I still have to cancel that appointment that is scheduled for next week.

Anyways, A week and a half later my follow up appointment was scheduled for the biopsy. I got to doing more research on the fibroadenoma and fibrocystic breast disease and convinced myself that is all it was. This all fit the description perfect of what I had. It made sense. The pregnancy hormones caused this and should go away postpartum. I managed to stay calm and not get upset while waiting for the results.

On May 20th I went to the surgeon for the results. My husband had offered to attend the appointment with me and since I figured it was nothing, I told him that it really didn't matter.

I was lucky he said he would take me anyways although we only expected a quick in and out visit to hear it was nothing and leave.

We waited for a while before we were called into the office. I sat there reading magazines with articles about breast cancer thinking I was so lucky that all I had was a cyst.

I was reading about women a little older and younger than me that had been diagnosed with breast cancer and choosing to have mastectomy's. I remember thinking that I just couldn't imagine having to do that...to make that decision.

I was then called into the room where the surgeon got right to the point. I could tell by the way he said my name that it was not going to be going well. Then he told me that it was cancer.

I felt my whole body turn to stone and everything echoed. When I heard cancer, I automatically thought about dying and that is not something I am prepared to do anytime soon.

It is a good thing that I had my husband Dave with me, he was able to be supportive to me yet keep it together enough to hear what the Dr. had to say.

We were given a copy of the pathology report and a whole bundle of information and a book on breast cancer. We were to go home and review it all.

Then came the next part that was rather hard to stomach. Surgery less than a week later.

I then had a choice of having the lump removed and radiation with chances of the cancer coming back. The other option was a mastectomy. Less than 20 minutes after thinking that I could never imagine having to make such a decision, I was opting for a mastectomy. Given my cancer past I felt it was the best thing and so did the Dr.s. So, it was set, the following week it would be done.

This was a fast growing tumor as it appears that it was hormone dependent. If I had not been pregnant, I would still have breast cancer but who knows when I would have found the lump and how much more damage or how much more it had spread by then (if it has even spread now)

This type of breast cancer happens once in every 3000 pregnancies. Pregnancy does not cause the cancer, the women who get this already have the tumor before pregnancy but it is picked up usually within 6 months after becoming pregnant.